[Adventures] In Being Stuck

 

[Adventure 208]

I'm stuck and I don't know how to get unstuck. 

My health has declined, my weight has skyrocketed, and because of my declining health, I can't be active and lose the weight - and because of the weight, it's more difficult to be active. Add to that being on multiple medications that cause weight gain, and I really have no idea what to do. 

My pain levels are through the roof every day. I feel like I'm battling my own body just to exist. I want to do things - hike, swim, do yardwork... heck, I'd love to be able to carry a basket of laundry up from the basement without feeling like I'm dying. 

One of my (adult) children needed supplies for an upcoming mission trip. I was barely functional, but we made our way through two thrift stores, a home improvement store, and Target. By the time we get home, I was completely exhausted. And I hadn't had lunch yet, so I had to make that. And do dishes.  And there are other things that need to be done, but for now I'm sitting and blogging and will soon watch something with Eris, who more often than not lately has saved me from completely overdoing it on a daily basis.

There are so many "if I could only"s, but one stands out from all the others: If I could only not be in so much pain, I could be more active and lose weight and get more things done and do things I enjoy. But I'm told over and over that I can't take pain medication, as it would kill me. I can't get a single doctor to talk to me about pain relief of any sort at this point - even a pain doctor told me he wouldn't treat me until he got clearance from my gastroenterologist, who then referred me to a hepatologist (liver doctor), who ran tests and a whole bunch of stuff snowballed from there, and no clearance or guidance was ever given as to whether or not a pain medication or treatment exists that is safe for me. Not a single doctor wants to risk giving me medical advice having to do with pain relief. 

I long ago surpassed the I-can't-take-this-anymore level of pain. I live everyday fighting to not lose my mind to the pain. I believe the only reason I'm able to get any sleep at all is because my mind needs a break from the pain, but very often I'm in pain even in my dreams. 

So I'm stuck in this cycle of pain and I don't know how to get out. I have appointments with a new rheumatologist and with my neurologist coming up and I'm going to see what they have to say about things.