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To Live Out Love

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Someone I love dearly had to admit to a mistake they made. And to lying about doing the thing they did that they shouldn't have. They had to admit that they couldn't completely fix what they had done. 

We sat in a room, the accused and the parents, waiting for the truth to out. Long silences were broken by simple requests for the truth and reminders that in this family, we make mistakes - and in this family, we offer forgiveness - and that telling the truth always comes with kinder consequences than lying. Knowing it's often difficult to form the words to admit to one's guilt, I finally offered a hand raise from the guilty instead. As the hand went up, the tears began to flow.

Before they could say a word, what they had done and the love for the person to whom they had done it hit them all at once. The victim offered forgiveness as my child sobbed in his arms, unable to speak. When sobbing turned into a panic attack, my child melted into me, body nearly convulsing as the…

To Give My All

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It is wonderful to go into a doctor's office and be greeted by a friendly, cheerful, welcoming person who goes over paperwork and gets required signatures and initials efficiently. It's amazing for the doctor to call you in herself, early, because that's when you're there - and she's just gotten there, so why not? It's comforting to have a doctor who goes over everything that's going on with your body, your health, and any concerns you might have while asking about your kids, what you've been doing for fun, and about any new stresses that might be in your life. It's phenomenal when the doctor takes the time to fill out a referral to a specialist on the spot, even though it has nothing to do with what you're seeing her for - but because it's what you need. And it's reassuring when your doctor requests you be seen in six months and blocks off an hour for your appointment, knowing the extra time will allow for testing to set your mind at ea…

That Dweam Within a Dweam

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Twenty to years ago we woke to a world glistening in ice. Our wedding day was not to look as we had imagined, half of our guests unable to make it due to the ice storm the day before. Thankful for those who could be there to celebrate with us, we had a wonderful day. 

This morning we woke to temperatures in the fifties and rain, with a flash freeze just hours away. What our anniversary "day out" will look like at this point, we're not sure - but if there's one thing we've learned in these twenty-two years it's that things don't always go to plan, but we can make the best of the situation. 
Twenty-two years ago, we started this adventure called marriage...and what an adventure it has been! We already knew that 'when you meet the right person, you know it. You can’t stop thinking about them. They are your best friend and your soulmate. You can’t wait to spend the rest of your life with them' ... and we were so excited to start our journey together. &#…

To Not Panic

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My husband hadn't worked since Wednesday. There was a bad snowstorm on Thursday, he was off Friday and Saturday, and then they cancelled work on Sunday. We can't afford for him to miss work without pay - or for him to use two of his three annual sick days within the first seven days of the year. My anxiety levels go up just thinking about the ramifications for the rest of the month ... and the rest of the year.

And then he arrived home from work last night and gathered me and our seventeen year old, who works three days a week with my husband, together in the living room. It was 9:30PM,  I was exhausted from a busy day, and my head was in the vice of a migraine. He announced that the company he's working for is filing Chapter 11. I nearly had a panic attack as he continued speaking.  The impact of this  was the laying off of many employees and hiring of some to help restructure the company. They were shutting down on Sundays. This meant that he had several options to get in…

To Enjoy Moments

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It's the little moments and seemingly small actions that can make all the difference. 

A hug from a friend can change everything. 

A kind word from a stranger can boost your mood or your confidence.

The words, "you rest, I'll take care of it" can be comforting beyond measure. 

A child climbing into bed with you to cuddle can melt your heart.

An outing to the movies with five teenagers after two days in bed merely existing could be just what the doctor ordered.

Cancelling an appointment with a practice that is no longer meeting your needs can feel liberating.

Today, I intend...
... to enjoy the little moments and appreciate the small actions. 
... to be gentle with my failing body.
... to move forward in seeking better health care and in addressing neglected medical needs.
... to let go of negative feelings surrounding past medical care and to look forward to getting back on track with my medical care.







To Let Spirit Guide Me

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"I want to die." That was the first thought that crossed my mind upon waking New Year's Day.Pain wracked my body and tortured my soul. Emerging from a rare pain-free dream, my mind struggled to come to terms with the reality of another day in this body.

"God, help me..." was my second thought - the start of a prayer that takes different forms each morning as I labor to coax my body into action. 

So started my first day of 2018. 

My second morning started similarly. And when I think about it, I don't see it as a bad, thing, just my reality. It's what I need to go through to get to the good part of the day. 

Each morning I struggle to get moving, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. Knowing how much it's going to hurt to move makes wanting to move difficult. Knowing how much better I'll feel once I get going propels me forward. 

Once moving, things improve. I go about my day finding balance with movement and rest, ticking things off my to…

Word

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I've had some brilliant ideas of what word to use as my word for the new year. And then I've forgotten them due to my short term memory issues. I do remember they were fabulous ideas at the time. Creative. Inspiring. Amazing.

So then I started to think about what I want to let go of in the new year...

worry
stress
expectations of myself
expectations of others
stuff
mental and emotional clutter
medical stresses

and things I want to invite more of into my life in the new year...

boundaries
calm
adventure
movement
health
spiritual growth
prayer
organization
connection

Intention. 

I want to live my life with intention. Not just muddle through it. Not just go through the act of living, but live in the moment, starting each day with purpose.

Starting each day stating "today, I intend to..." will hopefully ground me in the moment, center me in calmness and peace, and urge me forward knowing what I would like to make of the day - without the stress. Intentions are a good start, a good expectatio…