Thursday, April 17, 2014

Admitting It Is The First Step

I readily admit that I have a problem. I'm addicted. It's that simple.

Some days I just can't help it. Most days. Ok, just about every day. 

Hour after hour - popping vicodin, yelling at people, making poor life choices. I just can't stop. 

I'm addicted.

I'm not totally to blame, though. Had Netflix not decided to add House, M.D. to their streaming video choices, I would not be addicted to watching the pill-popping doctor and his cohorts hour after hour every day. I watch House while doing dishes, while doing yoga, while checking email, while making dinner. Having a Kindle just makes things worse, as I can prop it in the kitchen cabinet or on my bed, or on the dryer. 

At least I'm getting stuff done while feeding my addiction. I guess it could be worse - I could be addicted to pain pills. 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014


You said I need to stop being so negative all the time - that I need to concentrate on the blessings in my life and stop wallowing in my illness. 

I don't think you understand.

When I talk about how my illness is affecting my life or post something about it online, you read it as whining, while I'm merely stating what I'm experiencing that day. Just as you post about what you had for dinner, how much exercise you got, how cute your dog is, or an anecdote from your most recent adventure, I sometimes talk or post about how much rest I needed to make it through the day, requests to my body to please be kind, or my most recent adventures at the doctor's office. 

This is my life. 

My life, every day, is managing my health  ...and doctor appointments - so many doctor appointments.  I need to manage my levels of activity and rest, balance that with household chores, homeschooling, volunteering, child-wrangling, and everything else involved in living life. And then there's dealing with my dietary needs, my kids' dietary needs, and my kids' health issues. 

It's not that I don't see the blessings - I do and appreciate every single one of them - it's that sometimes the blessings in my life come in the form of a day of rest, medication, a kind doctor, or that I have a community of support who comes to my aid when they know I'm not doing well. Your perception of my misery may just coincide with my perception of the myriad blessings in my life.

If things in my life are bad enough that I'm constantly talking or posting about feeling ill, perhaps instead of assuming I'm not appreciating the good in life, you could offer support or kind words to increase the good that is my life.

Monday, April 14, 2014


Forward movement. Progress. Whatever you want to call it, I'll take it.

After long weeks stuck in the quagmire of ill children and autoimmune disease-related misery, I've finally started moving forward. I've cleaned out cabinets and drawers, cleared shelves, and coordinated shopping lists and coupons saving my family lots of money. We've rearranged, reexamined, and prioritized. 

Even the smallest accomplishment seems momentous these days. It was a long Winter, which seeped its way into Spring and only now are things starting to feel as Springy as they should.

Open windows inspire cleaning and rearranging and letting go of accumulated comforts to make way for change. 

And change is coming. Soon we will get estimates on demolition and rebuilding of a rotten wall of our house, and hopefully soon afterwards, the process will be underway. Once that is done, and deck rebuilt, we transform the basement room into a haven for our younger teen, setting off the first domino in the Great Bedroom Switchapalooza. Teen younger moves to the basement room, preteen kicks eight and six out and across the hall to teen younger's old room, and half of preteen's room gets converted to the "kids' lounge." Teen older, not liking change, stays put in his room.

It feels as if I'm awakening to a new Spring in my life and all the opportunities it offers. Letting go of the clutter allows me to open up to the bounty life has to offer. Concentrating on the positive opens my heart to fully appreciate the plentiful blessings even the most bleak circumstance can offer. 

This is the year we Get Our House In Order. From the literal structure of our house to the atmosphere inside of it; from the health of our bodies to the health of our minds and our spirits; from finances to food choices to building a firm foundation of faith, I awaken to the possibilities that lay ahead. 

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

What Home Looks Like

Homebirth has made its way into many conversations lately. People seem shocked that I would have given birth at home, and even moreso that I can't imagine wanting to birth anywhere else. I have had a medicated hospital birth, a natural hospital birth, a natural birth center waterbirth, and two waterbirths at home. I'd love to say that all my children's births were beautiful in their own way, but the fact of the matter is that Alexander's birth was quite traumatic to both of us. His birth, however, led me down that path to gaining confidence in my body's ability to birth, which in turn led me toward homebirth.

People seem to think that homebirth must somehow require courage. It took courage for me to get into a vehicle during labor to be driven to a hospital and to be able to find my center in an unfamiliar hospital room with equally unfamiliar people coming into and out of my room, including the doctor that I'd spent 6-10 minutes with on no more than twenty occasions. It didn't take any courage at all to relax in my own house surrounded by loved ones and under the care of experienced midwives who knew more about the body's ability to birth than any doctor I've ever met, and who spent no less than an hour with me at each appointment, were available by phone anytime should I have a question or concern, and who took the time to get to know me and my family. And besides, I felt ... well ... at home. 

Homebirth may not look the way you imagine it would. My first homebirth looked like this...

Midwives chatting
Gramma reading

Mama laboring
Paparazzi clicking
Coren was my first child born at home.  His was my easiest, calmest, least painful birth. From when my body started pushing to when he was out was a grand total of seven minutes. 
Brother born

Gently floating
Coren's birth was attended by two midwives, three siblings (ages 6, 5, and 3), his Gramma and Papa, "Aunt" Rachel, Daddy, and, of course, Mama. He was born in our dining room, as was Alia several years later. He weighed 10lbs 14oz. Really. We checked. Three times.

Cord cutting

Mamamilk guzzling

Nurse checking
During labor, I was encouraged to move, to eat, to drink, and to listen to my body. After birth, I had people making sure I ate and drank, making me comfortable, cleaning up, and making sure baby and I were healthy and that breastfeeding got off to a good start. There were plenty of hands to hold baby while I showered and whisk the older kids away to give Mama, Daddy, and baby some quiet bonding time - and so the big kids could organize a Birth Day Party.

Birth Day Partying

Family meeting

Life is Good 
As we lay in bed with our newborn baby that night, we marveled at how seamlessly this child entered our lives ... how normal and natural and full to the brim with love the entire day was. And how wonderful it was to be in our own bed, at home with our older children, on the night of the first day of our baby boy's life. 

(Photos by Gene Talbot - my wonderful Dad and my kids' loving Papa)

Monday, March 31, 2014

My View From Here

If there's one thing psoriatic arthritis (and his buddy ankylosing spondylitis) has given me, it's a new point of view. Actually, several points of view.

There's the view from my bed, where I happen to spend a lot of time. Not only is my bed my bed, but it's located in our living room and acts as our couch during the day. Over the weekend I was quite ill, and had sick children as well, and found myself in the same place, my bed, for hours on end. Snuggling. Cuddling. Enjoying my view from here.

I can see works of art created by my children, odd things carved by a relative of my husband many years ago, art I created, as well as paintings done by my husband's great-grandmother, among many other objects of art, beauty, and whimsy. I can also see the dusting that needs to be done, but that will get done eventually. 

And then there's the view from my back door. The snow is melting. Trees are budding. Skulls are emerging. Sometimes the sun even peeks out. On days my legs aren't up to taking me very far, I can at least step out my back door and see some beautiful, and somewhat unique, sights.

The view from my window isn't too bad, either. My new obsession is taking photos of the moon...

Some may be surprised that I don't mind the view from my wheelchair at all. A recent necessity on a trip to the Science Center, my kids got to enjoy plenty of time to explore three floors of exhibits and I didn't feel wiped out and in pain in the first ten minutes, as would have happened had I not brought Ziggy along for the ride. 

Living with Psoriatic Arthritis and friends can be a challenge, but the view from here can be amazing. 

A Moondragon hitching a ride on the back of my wheelchair

Thursday, March 27, 2014

The Well

At worship a few nights ago, the pastor was preaching about the story of the Samaritan woman at the well whom Jesus, a Jew, asked for a drink of water. That a Jew would ask anything of a Samaritan in those days was unthinkable - it just didn't happen. And then he moved on to talking about Lent. It was, after all, and Ecumenical Lenten Worship, where different congregations and denominations gathered to worship together during Lent. The pastor posed this question: if we of different Christian faiths could come together on a Monday night to worship together, could we also lay aside the divisiveness in our daily lives and open our minds and our hearts to people who aren't like us? Could we, like the Samaritan woman, open our minds to things foreign to us and learn to respect and perhaps appreciate different lifestyles or points of view? After all respect and appreciation for someone else's way of living or belief system doesn't mean we have to accept it as our own or even agree with it. Could we do this, especially with those who make us most uncomfortable? 

 As he was speaking, I was sitting between two of my children, who have been raised to respect and accept people from all walks of life. I just kept thinking about how blessed I am to have our homeschool community - our big, loving, diverse homeschool community. Each Friday my kids get to get together with people of a wide range of ages, colors, and spiritual beliefs; of differing cognitive, social, physical, and behavioral abilities; of different sexual and gender identities; of a rainbow of haircolors; of varying heights and weights; boys with long hair, girls with short hair, and vice versa; people who hula hoop and people who are completely deficient in the art of hula hooping; with vegans, vegetarians, omnivores, celiacs, those who eat only raw foods, and people on varying diets for food allergies or sensitivities or treating various illnesses or disorders. In this community, we don't judge people by appearance, ability, lifestyle or belief system. I do admit that one might let out a giggle at the lack of hula hooping ability of some. Well, ok, of me. And usually it's me laughing at myself. And my kids laughing at me. I just can't seem to figure out how to keep that hoop aloft.

My daughter, Haley, in a skit about bullying at homeschool co-op, written and acted out by students.
She played the bully - and the girls she hurt in the skit came together to offer the bully love and friendship,
realizing her actions were based in hurt and loneliness, and because everyone deserves to be loved. 
In this community I have never heard anyone take offense over someone else's questions about why they don't eat this, whether they're a girl or a boy, why they have a different skin color than their siblings, or any other question. I've also never encountered anyone afraid to ask a question such as "why does that mom wear a burka?" or "why do you use a cane?" Here, difference is seen as an opportunity to learn something new, not a cause for discomfort. Here questions are normal, acceptance is normal, diversity is normal, love is normal. 

Homeschoolers building a human pyramid on "Share Day" -
their class was about learning to work together to accomplish goals.
How I wish I had had a chance to speak with that pastor, to invite him to come and see the well of acceptance and love that exists in our little part of the world. My weekly drinking in from this well sustains me through the myriad news stories and personal experiences of intolerance and hate in this world. 

For us, putting aside divisiveness is not a what if - it's the only way to live. 

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Making the Best of a Rotten Situation

On days like this when life hits me hard, I want to scream, to cry, to panic, and curl up in a ball of misery. But I don't. Instead I pray, and pray, and reach out, accept offered help, and pray some more. Ok, so maybe I cry a little, too. 

Years ago, I would have been a mess of worry, stress, and anxiety. Today, I choose to see this as an opportunity to get my house, quite literally, in order. To fix what needs to be fixed, replace what needs to be replaced, and have a better house in the end. 

We'll find a way to pay back my parents' generosity, should it be needed,  and will reach out to our community for whatever help can be provided. Our house may be falling apart in the most literal sense of the words, and at times I may feel like I might fall apart as well,  but I know we will get through this, just like we've gotten through myriad other tough times. Since I can't change the situation, I'll just have to change how I view it...

After all, we still have a roof over our heads. We have food to eat. We will emerge on the other side of this with a stronger, safer house. We will then, little by little, tackle the comparatively minor repairs when we can. We will be ok. 

Finding out water has been getting behind the deck lashing and rotting a wall of our house for years gave us quite a shock. I'm sure the dollar amount on the adjuster's estimate to rebuild the wall and the deck will do the same. I can't imagine what the demolition and rebuilding process is going to be like, but I am sure of one thing - we'll make the best of this rotten situation (pun intended). 

Monday, March 10, 2014

I Would Never Do That

If there's one thing life has taught me since I became a parent, it's that just about every time the thought, "I would never do that" came across my mind, I'd end up, eventually, doing just that thing. 

"I would never let my baby sleep in bed with me!" That's much too dangerous. Right? Maybe? And then my firstborn wasn't yet twenty-four hours old and he would scream every time he was put down and wouldn't sleep unless he had physical contact with a human being and I realized that the only way I was going to sleep was to sleep with him with me. Upon our arrival home, I slept with him on the futon, as it wasn't the same as bed-sharing, was it? Finally, my husband and "The Family Bed' by Tine Thevenin convinced me that my Mama instincts were operating properly and sleeping with my baby was a perfectly safe and biologically normal thing to do. And I loved cosleeping with all of my children. 

"I would never sit my kids in front of the tv just to get some peace and quiet." There are so many other quiet activities they can do - reading, crafting, writing, drawing - that I'll never have to resort to using the tv as a babysitter. Enter real life, five kids, multiple autoimmune diseases that cause extreme exhaustion, and "let's watch a movie" can quickly morph into "let's have a movie night" and then into "let's have a movie day." Some days it's just necessary for my entire household to turn into zombies for 24 hours so Mama doesn't turn into one permanently. And I love the peace and quiet and naps I can sneak while the kids are entertained enough not to wreck the house in the meantime.

Then there's the collection of breastfeeding I would nevers: "I would never breastfeed a child who can talk;" "I'll never breastfeed two/three children at one time - that's crazy!"; and "I'd never breastfeed another person's child." I did all of the above. Many, many times. I nursed a child who could do algebra, for heaven's sake. Admittedly, he was quite precocious in that area, but still. And I loved just about every moment of breastfeeding my kids, no matter what their ages or how many or whether or not there was a queue.

Have you seen those commercials on tv for prescription drugs where half of the commercial is a list of the warnings and scary possible side effects? So many times I thought or said, "Why on earth would someone take that? You'd never catch me taking something that sounds more dangerous for you than any illness!" Then psoriatic arthritis and ankylosing spondylitis reared their ugly heads and poof I was practically begging to take a drug whose pages and pages of warnings and adverse reactions and contraindications scare the carp out of me. And I LOVE love Love this drug. It has changed my life in so many amazing ways, though it is still crazy scary. 

"I will never, ever, drink soda again." Now, this I was one-hundred percent invested in. I cringe every time one of my children drinks soda, not that that happens very often. Soda is damaging, toxic, destructive...and the only treatment we've found for my migraines. One Coke (why it has to be Coke, I have no idea, but it's the only one that seems to work and that I can keep down - and no, coffee doesn't work), and around eighty percent of the time, I get a break from my migraine. It's horrible. It's gross. But it's better than nothing, as my doctors have yet to be able to find a medication that will get rid of my migraines and not kill me or make me incredibly ill in the process. 

Taking all of this into consideration, I'd like to say that I will never, ever, get a hot tub, as they cost too much and are too high maintenance. Nope. Never. 

Thursday, March 6, 2014

To Dust We Shall Return

She sat. She squirmed. She doodled, drew, underlined, and crossed out. She cuddled, snuggled, and rummaged around in my purse for a vitamin C drop. We were at Ash Wednesday worship, very close to bedtime, on the day after her great-grandmother, her Nanna, died. 

Death was the theme of the evening, wasn't it? "Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." 

Pastor Gollenberg was talking about how all of us gathered there were aliens - different, weird, set apart from others because we were at worship on a Wednesday, getting ashed smeared on our foreheads, believing in a God who was going to die. He talked about fasting, not necessarily from food, but from things that tend to take over our lives, if I recall correctly. I admit, things got a little fuzzy for a while there. Not because it was late and I was tired and my bed was calling; not because I was daydreaming or nodding off; but because the squirmy child climbed into my lap. 

She motioned for me to tilt my ear toward her, and whispered in my ear. 

"I'm glad that Nanna decided to die the day before Ash Wednesday," she said. "It's good to be here at worship tonight. All this talk about death really helps me to feel better." I didn't respond right away, partly because Pastor was saying something about not hoarding earthly treasures and I really did want to hear what he was preaching, but mostly because my mind was reeling from this child - so deep is her faith, that she finds comfort in the reminder that death is not the end. 

We talked about it more this morning - or perhaps I should say she talked about it more this morning, as I drove us home from the store. "Pastor said, 'Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.' I think that is talking about the body part of ourselves. I think if we talk about the soul part, we can say, 'Remember you are from God, and to God you will return. We'll bury Nanna's body in the ground tomorrow, but her soul is with God. I think dying is kind of like sleeping. When you die it's like you fall asleep. Your body part doesn't wake up. It's dead because your soul wakes up with God. Your soul is your energy and when it leaves your body your body dies because it doesn't have your energy in it anymore. Or something like that. At least that's what I think. Imagine that - waking up and finding you're with God!" 

She's going with me to the funeral mass and burial tomorrow while my husband takes our other kids, who do not wish to attend, to homeschool co-op. Some people are worried about how my just-turned-six-year-old will handle everything. I think she'll be just fine. 

I, however, may have a tough time convincing her that a Catholic Mass is not the time for a rousing chorus of There's One More Angel in Heaven

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

She Walked Powerfully

She walked powerfully through my life.

During my childhood, she went to work while her retired husband stayed home and tended house, yet got up early Sunday mornings making dinner from scratch for her extended family. Picking her up at her office was perhaps the highlight of my Saturday. There was something magical about typewriters and adding machines and the high counter in the front where my grandfather would sometimes let me sit. She planted the seed that a woman's place is wherever she wants to be.

During my teen years, she unabashedly shared her opinion and encouraged me to stand firm in my convictions. She remembered with me my history, as well as family history. Stories of my mother´s childhood, the Depression, and her own life we're the history lessons of my youth.

At my wedding when I was just barely 21, she danced joyfully with my grandfather to their song - I Found a Million Dollar Baby in a Five and Ten Cent Store. As I witnessed love reverberate between them, I prayed that one day my husband and I would live up to that example, the love between us palpable to all in the room. 

As a new mom, unsure of my ability to live up to any number of perceived expectations, Nanna encouraged me to relax and listen to my instincts and my baby, assuring me that things would work themselves out. Quite unexpectedly, at least as far as I was concerned, she was one of my biggest breastfeeding supporters, regaling me with the story of a mom in her old neighborhood who seemed to be nursing all the little ones in the block. "She would just throw her breast over her shoulder and they would all follow after her." 

In more recent years, I witnessed her weakness, stubbornness, and strength when she was faced with the death of her husband, my Grampy. I saw her with new eyes as she ventured forth through life on her own, making new friends, and striving to be fiercely independent as she was forced to depend on others. I delighted in seeing the sheer joy in her face as she interacted with her great-grandchildren and treasured every opportunity to take another walk down memory lane with my Nanna. 

Two days ago, I went to visit Nanna for the last time. In the few moments I had alone with her, I told her how much I loved her and that she needed to be at peace. That we would all be ok. I said goodbye. Yesterday she left her earthly body behind to journey into Everlasting Life.

Today, Ash Wednesday, I celebrate her life. I'll cuddle with her great-grandchildren and share memories. I'm sure we'll laugh, certain we'll cry, and know that we'll never forget this woman who walked so powerfully through our lives. 

You are dust, and to dust you shall return. (Genesis 3:19b)