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Showing posts from January, 2014

Restlessness

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I'm restless. When I get restless, I reorganize things. Reorganize thing is code for moving furniture most of the time, much to my husband's dismay.

I usually "reorganize" when my husband is at work. Once upon a time we live in a tiny house in Watertown, CT and I was pregnant with our first child. I had two weeks of maternity leave before my "due date" which stretched out to nearly four weeks, and I "reorganized" frequently -  this didn't work out to well for my husband, who got home in the wee dark hours of the morning and would trip over pieces of furniture that weren't there when he left the house hours before. 
Restlessness usually sets in during the short, yet oh so long, days of Midwinter. Perhaps it's because I need some sort of change from cold, gray days. Maybe I'm just sick of looking at the same house insides all day, every day. 

These days, I'm physically unable to move most of our furniture, so the arrangement of our …

Saying Goodbye

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Just hours before we left for camp this past Summer, one of our cats, Garci, died. With no time to mourn, we were on our way. Arriving home after a fun week, the kids were uninterested in any sort of formal goodbye, so were given space to mourn in their own way. It was a time of mixed emotions, with tons of summer fun amid feelings of sadness and loss. 


This week we face another goodbye. Since Garci's death, our other cat, Lola, has been acting out, doing things from hiding under chairs and attacking the kids' legs to soiling beds and baskets of laundry. Her playmate gone, she seems overwhelmed with the activity in the house and restless without her companion. Deemed a behavioral and perhaps environmental issue, we had to do something. 

Then came the conversation with my doctor. With my ability to fight infection greatly lowered by Remicade and a cat who wants to inappropriately "adorn" her favorite spots, such as our beds, I was advised it would be best for us to reho…

Blessed Burdens

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Sometimes I can't sleep because my mind is racing with all the things I need to accomplish.  

I had x-rays of my hands and feet last week - I have some sort of growth coming from a bone in my left hand. Painful and concerning. I'm eagerly awaiting results while trying not to think about the possibilities. I also need to get bloodwork done for three different doctors at two different hospitals. And go to the bank, grocery store, and thrift store this week. 

My eleven year old daughter has concerning thyroid test results so has an appointment with her primary care provider to further investigate. My thirteen year old is having sleep issues, my five year old is having some sort of reaction to food, and my eight year old is having Aspie meltdowns on a regular basis. The fifteen year old is being fifteen in his own special way. We have upcoming eye doctor appointments times five and dental appointments times four. I need to find counseling for one or two of us, occupational therapy f…

On the Brink

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On the brink.

In the same thought celebrating and mourning life.
At the same moment feeling pure joy and utter sadness.
Feeling life full to bursting yet draining every ounce of energy.
Hunger to go out and do everything is equaled only by longing for endless rest.

On the brink.

The edge of love and hate; of full and empty; of ecstasy and insanity.
All there is is time; myriad possibilities; hours stretching out endlessly.
Motivation clashes with ambivalence; mental energy with physical malaise; want with will.

On the brink.

Trapped by cold, by uncooperative body, by a wall of to do tomorrows that never get done.
Imprisoned by shoulds and wants and coulds but lacking in cans and wills and doings.
Life passing; time taking its toll.

On the brink.

On one side, light and hope and progress.
On the other, darkness and despair and stagnation.
Balancing on the knife-edge, trying not to fall the wrong way.

On the brink.

Midwinter madness has set in.

Lean toward the God-reflection in the faces of loved ones.
Keep…

On the Road

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As fairly busy homeschooling family, with my many medical appointments, with trips to New Hampshire for Camp and Pennsylvania to visit family, we're on the road quite often. This past year, we saw many interesting sights while on our travels:






I'm not sure if I'm excited or scared to see what we encounter on the road in 2014!


Rockin' It Since '96

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We were barely twenty-one years old.


What were we thinking?
We lived in the Waterbury apartment then, our first home together. I spent the week beforehand laying on my stomach on the black metal futon that made up the bulk of our living room furniture and watching tv all day having slipped on ice and injured my back. You took great care of me, leaving me a cooler of food and pitcher of water so I would need to move as little as possible while you were at work. I prayed every day I'd be able to walk by the time I needed to take those very important steps. 
We lived on a wing and a prayer back then. And we had such hopes - such dreams. Your plan was for two children, maybe. Mine was for five, at least. We didn't know what we wanted to be when we grew up. For the very grown-up thing we were getting ourselves into, we really had a lot of growing up to do. I feel blessed we got to learn and grow together. 
We were barely twenty-one years old. 
What were we thinking?
I'm not sure we w…

Melted

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An "arctic blast" made its way through Connecticut. With temperatures below zero and several snowstorms to deal with, the kids' snow gear lived in our kitchen for quite some time. Just a walk to the mailbox required layers of clothing. Only the coldest of the cold days kept the kids inside. 

And then it happened. A few days ago temperatures soared into the teens. And today - today we woke up to a world of fog and rain, with temperatures climbing above freezing, into the forties and beyond. In addition to rain, rapidly melting slow led to huge puddles and even flash flooding, causing a few accidents and a bit of damage when combined with intensely foggy conditions. 

This warm-up seemed to have another victim, as evidenced by the photo below. Zachary melted - right there on the kitchen floor. The poor kid never had a chance. 

Better Living Through Chronic Illness

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As I drove down the highway it dawned on me: this is the best I've ever felt the day before my Remicade infusion. I had a rough week fighting off illness and dealing with migraines, but my joints are doing OK all things considered and my inflammation seems minimal. Could it be that I have found treatment levels that actually work?

My excitement grew as I thought about the ramifications of being functional the majority of the time. It was as if a while new world was opening up to me. My spirit soared as my mind raced with possibilities. 

And then I got out of the car, into the arctic world, and onto my painful feet. Joy shattered like an icicle hitting the pavement. Despite how good I feel, I continue living in a body rife with limitations. Moton's neuroma in my left foot makes walking painful on a good day, tortuous on a bad. Arthritic and/or spondylotic damage to my knees, back, and other joints will mean a lifetime of pain no matter how well my psoriatic arthritis is being man…

A Motley Crew of God's Children

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His words carry through the congregation, "I am the Light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." 

Her words ring in the silence of the sanctuary, "My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant. For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed; for he who is mighty has done great things for me and holy is his name..." 
They preach the sermon, sharing the sacred stories with all gathered. 
Her voice carries for all to hear, "Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people..." before she is joined by the winged multitudes, saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men." 

He smiles and says nothing as his cohorts announce, "Let us now go to Bethlehem, and see this thing which has come to pass, which the Lord has made known to us!"…

Antici

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The Christmas season is drawing to a close. My birthday, New Year's celebrations, and my husbands birthday have passed. The long-awaited Epiphany Pageant is in the works, with a rehearsal tomorrow and the Pageant itself on Sunday. Then, on January 6, Epiphany, we have one last little celebration, then put our Christmas decorations away. 
It is then that I finally feel like my new year has begun. Maybe because we can once again settle into our normal routine...or in this case, a new routine. I'm hoping to use our Time a bit differently. I see family time in the morning before Daddy goes to work; daily journaling for the children; weekly or monthly projects; finding a new rhythm to our days. For me, daily work on my health - movement, rest, nourishing and nurturing my body, mind and spirit. 

However, there is one thing I am greatly looking forward to that can't seem to come fast enough. After holidays and birthdays, one would think we'd celebrated it all, but one last thin…

The Key

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It's 12:36AM, January 1, 2014. 2014. 2014. Maybe if I type the year enough it will sink in. 

My three eldest children, my husband and I are watching Jaws. Wonderful movie to watch before bed, especially for kids who don't watch scary movies. It's rated PG - I have no idea how - but it freaks me out. A strange way to start the new year. The littles are upstairs watching their own movie for as long as it takes for them to pass out. I'm sure it won't take long.

The best laid plans went a bit awry tonight. I had envisioned a night of movies, games, and wonderment. I fell asleep at 8pm and drifted in and out through a movie and a half. The movies of choice this year were Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Disney's 1973 Robin Hood. Even so, it's a wonderful night. 

The key to our New Year's Eve was this:


Opening the big jar, we each pulled out a handful of memories, the first from New Year's Day 2013, the last, just days ago. The jar included tickets …