Sleeping [Adventure]

[Adventure 258]

I admit it. I get unreasonably frustrated about things due to living with chronic pain and chronic illness.

Here's an example...

I don't sleep. I wake up hundreds of times a night (no exaggeration - I've had sleep studies) most nights and never feel rested. I'm in pain all night. I dream of being in pain when I do actually sleep. If it gets to the point where I'm still up at 4AM, I abandon sleep and am up for the day. 

The other day, my husband did a ton of yardwork, most definitely overdoing it. And then we stayed up late playing Dungeons and Dragons. All night, it seemed that whenever I actually got to sleep, he woke me up tossing and turning or getting up to go to the bathroom. Finally at around 4AM, he fell asleep.

His alarm went off at 6:30AM and he gave me my morning med as usual and went back to bed. I, however, could not go back to sleep. If he was sleeping and I went to sleep and slept through the time to take my morning meds, I'd be in huge trouble. I snoozed my 7AM alarm a couple times, just because I didn't want to move. Finally, I got up, did dishes, made a macchiato and breakfast, and watched Bones as I dined. I took my meds, cleaned up the kitchen and dining room, and then made Chinese Noodle Cookies. 

At 9AM, I checked in with my husband, waking him to make sure he wasn't up for going to church and finding out if he wanted more sleep. He opted for sleep and was back to sleep before he could answer my question as to when he wanted to get up.

He did, however, explain to me that he hadn't been able to fall asleep until 4 because he was sore. He said he didn't understand why he couldn't sleep because he was absolutely exhausted. And just like that, he fell back to sleep. And I got frustrated.

That is my life every single night. I'm exhausted and in too much pain to sleep. And come 4AM, I know sleep is hopeless. There's no falling asleep and sleeping soundly for five hours or more. There's no sleeping in, because I have to get up and eat and take meds or I could die. I just want a good night's sleep. I haven't had one in years.

And so I sit here, next to my snoring husband, attempting not to fall asleep - and trying not to feel resentful of his ability to get the rest he needs.