[Seek]ing To Let Go

It's difficult for me to let go. 

I used to hold on to everything, just in case. I kept books just in case I'd want to read them again, anything that held sentimental value (which could be just about anything) in case I might forget, and just about everything that could possibly be useful some day. 

These days, I'm much better at minimizing my possessions, rather than having them possess me.

I do, however, have difficulty letting go of fear and worry, especially associated with emotional upheavals in my life. 

When I feel mistreated or hurt, it's hard for me to overcome the associated anxiety. My OCD won't let go of the thought that it's somehow my fault, that I'm in some way lacking, or that the person will hurt me again, and possibly worse. Although forgiveness comes quickly, I find myself reliving the hurt and preparing myself for more. I have difficulty enjoying this time, living instead in the feelings and worries surrounding last time.

I know this deeply affects my marriage. 

My husband has worked hard over the past year to change himself for the better. Actually - not change himself ... find himself, reconnect with the love, compassion, and passion that was dulled by the drudgery of his former employment as well as complicated and confusing emotions and relationships. He's let go of a lot of negativity and anger. He is calmer, more compassionate, and more like the man I married nearly twenty-four years ago...only more mature, more responsible.

I, on the other hand, feel stuck. Stuck in the fear and worry; in the what-ifs. Sometimes I do better, feel like I've let go and moved on, and then it all comes rushing back in times of insecurity and self-doubt. When I don't feel like I'm enough. When I'm too sick; too tired; too ill. When I can't live up to my own expectations as my husband's life partner. When I'm unable to do the things that bring him joy.

My gift to my husband today, on his forty-fifth birthday, is this ... I will strive to let go. To let go of the hurt; let go of expecting the worst; let go of the fear. To live instead in the love we share, in the present moment, in hope and grace. I love you!