[Adventures] in Feeling the Feels

[Adventure 326]

I'm sitting here at 5:30 on a Saturday morning attempting to watch a Christmas movie, tears streaming down my face. 

I don't know how I'm going to face the day. 

My pain levels are through the roof, which is why I'm not sleeping. My dreams were plagued with pain and what sleep I got left me more exhausted than I was when I finally slipped into bed last night. I haven't even gotten out of bed and I'm struggling with panic attack level pain. 

I don't know how I'm going to accomplish anything today. Everything hurts. 

I take care of a few things online and then drag myself out of bed. I consider taking the easy way out and making tea, but decide I'd much rather have the comfort (and caffeine) of a hot macchiato. 

I make it as far as the bathroom and then realize that I'm not even going to be able to accomplish a simple cup of coffee. 

I sink back into bed, feeling defeated.

I sit and sob, not being able to do anything other than feel all my feelings. I yearn for a good post-catharsis nap, but sleep doesn't come. Instead, I get back on my computer, put the movie back on, and try to cheer myself up with a little St. Nicholas Day shopping. 

Shortly thereafter, my husband's alarm goes off. He emerges from bed and asks what I need. Coffee. Just coffee.

In reality, I need so much more. I need a break from the pain or less pain or no pain. I need my pain levels to not get so high that life is unbearable. But I don't say any of these things because he already knows all of these things and wishes he could do anything to help.

Some days are for feeling all the feelings and that's ok. I know this won't be every day - at least I hope so.