[Adventures] In Not Being OK

[Adventure 36]

It took me seven tries to type [Adventure 36] above and four to type this sentence. I'm not OK today. 

I took out my ukulele to play and my left hand is doing something different than I'm telling it to, which makes forming chords incredibly difficult. Typing is an interesting experiment in what my brain tells my fingers to do vs. what they actually type. My left hand, as slow as it is, also has a mind of it's own. Seven is not spelled seveven, believe it or not (originally typed believeee if ot note). This happens often, but not always. Not enough to make my doctors take notice because it needs to be happening consistently for me to get testing and it's not. It's really bad on days like today when my neck is killing me and the pain in my head is nearly unbearable.

But I have to get on with my day. I have to find things that I am capable of doing and do those. I have to attend my youngest child's telehealth appointment with one of her specialists today. I have to take her blood pressure and pulse and record them in the log and remember to send a note to her primary care doctor with her results so far and asking how we are to proceed. I need to fill out forms and questionnaires before her appointment and for my upcoming medical appointments - tomorrow, Friday, Monday, and Tuesday...and then a couple the following week. And I need to do whatever it is I need to do before five appointments for my children in the next couple weeks. I need to remember to ask my husband to pick up my prescription at the pharmacy because I don't think it's safe for me to drive.

I'm not OK. I'm struggling through depression and anxiety and pain-induced panic attacks. I want to curl up in bed and ignore the world, but there are groceries to be bought (online) and things to be done and everything hurts. It hurts to sit for too long, to lay down for too long, to stay in the same position for too long, and to change positions. And if someone could stop plunging a knife into the right side of my skull, that would be greatly appreciated. 

So I drag myself out of bed and my left leg follows. I contemplate the laundry and decide stairs aren't my thing today. I have a conversation with a child. I wash - and repeatedly drop - a couple dishes before giving up. I manage to make myself a macchiato and then curl up in bed with a book, but the brain stabbing makes concentrating impossible. I watch some videos and scroll through social media, occasionally getting up to do things only to have pain encourage me back into bed. At some point I put groceries away. I make myself lunch and watch an episode of Taskmaster with one of my kids. I clean up the living room. I contemplate making dinner and take a nap instead. 

I thank God when my husband is finally on his way home, stopping at the pharmacy for my prescription first - and apparently also at Dunkin to get me an iced macchiato. He offers to make dinner and I gladly accept his offer, falling asleep before I'm able to take a sip of the beverage he brought me. 

A brief nap later, I sip my macchiato while eating delicious freshly made guacamole. Life is good.