[Seek] Honesty [Part 1]

[Advent 18]

I need to be honest. I'm not OK.

I'm beyond tired. Beyond done. Beyond my tolerance for the amount of pain I'm in. Beyond my mental and emotional capacity to cope with everything that's thrown my way. Beyond my ability to deal with healthcare professionals who don't have the answers, change the answers, or just don't listen.

I need a break. I need to not be responsible for anyone or anything for a little while. I need to not have to deal with health issues, medical appointments, phone calls, pain, questioning if something is a symptom of something new or new symptom of something already diagnosed (both for me and for my kids). Or a side effect from medication. I need the other adult people in my life to be responsible for themselves...and to seek opportunities to do nice things for others so that I'm not the only one trying to make life decent for everyone. I need someone to take care of me for a change.

I need to find comfort, but there is none. There is nothing I can do to even take the edge off the pain. There is no amount of urging that will make my body cooperate with what I want to and need to do. 

I need a real vacation. One where I don't have to cook or clean or plan or take care of everyone else. One where I can get good sleep at night and do things I enjoy during the day and eat good food that I don't have to cook and not worry about anyone else's wellbeing or happiness.

On top of the physical pain, OCD, anxiety, and depression conspire to suck me into a downward spiral, tainting my thoughts with certainty that nothing is going right, no one loves me, and nobody cares about me. 

This is not what I'm supposed to be feeling at this hopeful, joyful time of year, and that makes it so much worse. 

Nevertheless... [Advent 19 is coming]