[Seek] Peace with Mental Illness

[Lent 8]

Living with mental illness is difficult at best. 

There are days when I don't want to get out of bed. Don't want to leave the house. When I feel irreparably broken, useless. When my brain won't shut off ... or when my brain won't engage. When I question every thought, ever word, every action. When I'm sure others think badly of me. 

There are days when I don't feel this way at all. Good days. Days when I'm so excited about life that I say so, out of the blue, just because. Days when I can get things done fairly easily. When I can hold conversations with others without questioning myself or their intentions. 

But always, mental illness looms. It's not something I can turn on or off. Even on good days, it lingers in the background, poking me every once in a while to make sure I know it's still there.

I'm working on seeking peace with my mental illness. 

I know it's something I'll live with for the rest of my life. Something that will affect relationships with others, how I interact with the world, and my overall health. But that doesn't always have to be a bad thing. 

My OCD helps me in many ways. As much as my depression and anxiety keep me from doing things, my OCD can motivate me beyond my anxiety to get things done. It helps me pay attention to detail and get things done correctly the first time. Mental illness inspires some of my writing, as I write to work through especially troublesome times. 

Accepting mental illness as part of my life and part of who I am liberates me to find the good that results from it instead of concentrating on the bad. Being at peace with it means being at peace within myself.