[Nevertheless] We Learn and Grow

When I became a mother I had every intention of being the best mom ever. I was going to be loving, patient, kind, fun, understanding, and all the things a perfect parent would be. But life happened, bringing with it depression, anxiety, anger, illness, mobility issues, and all the baggage that gets dumped into ones mental health as a result. 

There were too many times that I lost patience too quickly, yelled to readily and too loudly, and even found ways to run away from my children, both emotionally and physically, when things got too much. I often expected impossible perfection from them - and from myself. Mothering was what I felt called to do, and even I was doing it badly, I felt tremendous guilt. Guilt multiplied the intensity of all my other issues. There were times when I was just a bad parent. 

Nevertheless, I've learned, I've grown, I've dealt with many of my issues (not that they don't still pop up every once in a while) and I've come to accept that parental perfection isn't a thing, no matter how much my OCD argues the point. 

I'm human. I'm going to lose my temper. I'm going to make mistakes. I'm not going to have all the answers. I'm going to say the wrong things. 

Best intentions get you nowhere. The ability to admit your mistakes, apologize, and learn from them is everything. I've taught my children this their entire lives, but it took me too long to take it to heart myself. 

My children - I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a crappy parent, and absent parent, an angry parent, an oblivious parent, and for any other parental offense I've committed over the past twenty years. It is my hope that you'll forgive me as I learn to forgive myself. And that you have felt my love for you with some continuity throughout the years. 

I also hope, as you someday become parents, that you will be as gentle and forgiving with yourself as you are with your children. You'll have as many crappy parenting days as your children will have obstinate offspring days. There are no perfect parents, just as there are no perfect children. Parent with grace - and ask for grace when needed. 

Most of all, love. Just love. Love your children. Love yourself. Love your spouse. Love your God. Let Love light your way.