[Nevertheless] We Seek Truth

We lie to ourselves in too many ways.

We tell ourselves we're not enough. We blame others for our mistakes. We insist we're ok when we aren't. We believe we're ok when we're broken. 

Last year I discovered something deeply hurtful in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. My initial reaction was not to talk to the person who I thought hurt me - it was to dig out the key to my locked medicine cabinet where bottles of prescription opiods and narcotics resided. That that was my first reaction scared me more than anything in that moment - more than potential lies, deceit, betrayal, loss. I hadn't realized I was that far down the rabbit hole of depression - that I was at the depth where running away from life seemed a better choice than confrontation and hope for healing the relationship. 

This revalation has had a huge impact on my life as of late.

I am much more aware of my moods, of my feelings, of how much loss I'm experiencing due to my illnesses. I'm realizing that all the positivity I put out in the world is borne of a need to counteract the despair I feel so deeply, yet do my best not to feed. The hopelessness and helplessness, I ignore - the giant lies that lurk in every musty corner of my life. It is only in acknowledging the truth of the emotional toll chronic pain and illness takes that I can truly embrace joy.

When we lie to ourselves, we often feel better about ourselves, our circumstances, our lives. Nevertheless, it is only when we seek the truth within ourselves that we can truly live. 

The lies I told myself over and over led me to the darkest of places. They nearly killed me. In embracing the truth, I can come to terms with life as I know it and move forward in hope.