Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Unhinged

Drama entered my life a few days ago. The ferocity of words aimed at me when I was simply trying to help caught me off guard. The commotion that followed left me completely unhinged. Angry words and others' opinions about my actions and me as a person flew at me at light speed, cutting to the core. What hurt most is that their anger blinded them from seeing my heart - and perhaps mine, theirs. For a while I lost my self, my way, my heart. I am falling apart, and that is not ok.

Tumultuous days like these leave me drained, feeling deeply empty, yet overflowing with grief. There is no space, no time, for me to process what has happened, and herein lies the danger - there is only reaction, explanation, and groping for common ground. I need time to process, to focus, to open myself to what really matters and leave the rest behind. I need stillness of heart and mind to listen after I pray before I can find my way.

So today I take a deep breath and move on. Today I start to pick up the pieces of my heart. Things are falling apart, and that's ok. I need to let it all go. 

It doesn't matter what others think of me. Helping remedy what I can, admitting and apologizing for my own mistakes and shortcomings, and forgiving others for theirs, I journey forward.  I have done what I can, and that's all that I can expect of myself. Friends blessed me with phone calls and emails reminding me of all the good I've done, and that all is not lost. 

Life doesn't come without conflict and pain, and neither does growth. I choose to learn from this, and pray for better understanding and a new beginning for all.

New beginnings are often disguised as 
painful endings. ~ Lao Tzu




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