I used to be a lot of things.
Mostly I used to be scared, worried, fearful. I used to worry about everything all the time. Anxiety ruled my life. I'd worry about whether or not my kids were breathing at night. I'd worry about whether or not the doors and windows were locked. I'd be wracked with fear if my husband was more than four minutes late getting home from work. I'd agonize over how I was going to pay our bills AND put food on the the table. I'd stress out about being a good enough wife, a good enough mother, a good enough friend, a good enough person. I'd become distressed about the little things as well as the big things.
My anxiety lessened over the years, but it was a constant gray cloud hovering overhead, clouding my thoughts, dimming my outlook, often turning my colorful world into shades of gray.
Then I got sick. Not only did I lose range of motion in my ankles that made getting around difficult, but I became overwhelmingly in pain and exhausted. Praying to make it through each day with myself and the kids intact was about all I could do. I could no longer be good enough - at least not by my expectations. I'd fall asleep before starting to worry about whether or not my kids were breathing - and they'd be fine in the morning. My brain was so foggy by the time my husband would get home from work that I seldom noticed what time he strolled through the door. I had no energy for worry - I had just enough energy to get the vital stuff done and make sure my kids were living, loving, learning, and having fun while doing it and that we didn't lose our house.
Without even trying, I'd let go of worry. Through the process of learning to trust that God wouldn't give me more than I could handle and working hard at handling all that life was throwing at me, worry lost its place in my life.
Faith now lives where worry once dwelled. Prayer has cast aside the obsessive thoughts borne of worry.
Every day I pray for the energy to make each of my children feel loved and feel special. I pray that my children and husband will be watched over and protected. I pray for the ability to pay our bills and put food on the table, despite the increased expenses related to my illness. I pray for continued peace of mind. I pray, then I let it go.
I won't say it's been smooth sailing, but my life has greatly improved now that I worry less. I still get a twinge of worry every once in a while, but not the all-consuming worry that used to engulf me on a regular basis. I'm calmer, more peaceful. I trust that God will provide, and although we've had our rough patches and money is always tight, we're doing ok.
Instead of worry or fear, I approach life with acceptance and a sense of humor. The clouds that once hovered overhead seldom appear. Even when they do, and rain does fall, I know eventually the sun will burst through the clouds and light up my life in vibrant technicolor once again.