From the Ashes

I've been feeling lost. Sometimes overwhelmingly so. My mind seems in a constant fog. My body teeters between ill and well. My desire to accomplish is overshadowed by my need for balance. 

I no longer know what I want to be When I Grow Up. I wrote that post about a year ago, and still, I don't know what it is that I want to be when I grow up. The fire that fueled my dreams turned them to ashes with that one huge flare that started my downward spiral.

I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly through life.

Yet the more I think about it, the more I think that this is the place I need to be right now. Wandering. Exploring. Getting to know what I can and can't do, what I can and can't be. Understanding that the aforementioned might change from day to day, moment to moment. Going wherever whims and life's demands carry me, even if that's to the comfort of my bed on days my health isn't cooperating with my intentions. Being in the position where I can say yes to something big and exciting that's been put in my path and praying that God will help me to make it happen. 

Not all who wander are lost.  J. R. R. Tolkien

Perhaps I'm not lost, but instead on the road to discovering a new part of my self. Haven't I always been in awe of people with no set plans who let life carry them where it may? In my dreams have I not imagined that life would be simpler doing more with less, spending time learning and creating and doing rather than sitting and watching and waiting for things to get better? Haven't I spent years encouraging my children to follow their passions? Should I not do the same? 

From the ashes a fire shall be woken. J. R. R. Tolkien

Within this broken down body lurks an ember that needs to be kindled. As I do what I can to journey toward wellness, I will nurture that ember. Wherever I wander, I will carry it within me, share it with others, see where it leads me, and enjoy the view along the way.