Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Enough




I sit down to write, a million words swirling through my head. But I can't get them to coalesce. I have too much on my mind. Fear. Worry. Sadness. Stress. Too Much.

A dear friend on the brink, calling out for help. I'm doing what I can, but wish it were more. Wish I could take away her anguish, give her peace. 

Another friend, living on hope while being told my all that there is none. Holding her loved one close, as if clinging to him could hold his soul in his body. Living each day to the absolute fullest, even if it's merely full of the everyday.

My son, struggling with depression and hormones and siblings with Aspergers and life in a large family when maybe he was cut out for life in a small family. Feeling out of place. My depressions resonates with his, my out-of-placeness as well, especially recently. I worry and fear for us both. 

My health - a new dosage, a new plan, a new hope, but a new fear. This stuff could kill me, or cause irreversible damage, or put me in remission. 

Loss, so much loss, instability, and uncertainty - I'm having a difficult time wrapping my mind around it all. Accepting what is. Letting go. Moving forward in trust that God is guiding my path. 

So I pray. And pray. And pray.

It sit. I breathe in and out. In and out. For a while it's all I can do. Just breathe. 

Finally, my fear, worry, and stress pour out, tears falling to the floor, sobs wrenching my body. I find myself pouring out gratitude also. For my life is FULL of blessings, of good people, of love, of everything I need once I'm able to feel as if I'm enough. And there it is, in all it's truth. I don't feel like I'm enough - doing enough, being enough, feeling enough, loving enough, pouring out enough of my self. I feel too wrapped up in worry to truly LIVE. I need to get out of my head and into God's grace, out of worrying about doing and being and accomplishing and into my life. 

At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, 
     My grace is enough; it’s all you need. 
     My strength comes into its own in your weakness. 
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
2 Corinthians 8-12 

So I pour these words out of my heart and my head and pray to remember that God's grace is enough; it's all I need. I change focus. I journey on, stronger in my weakness. Enough. 

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