[Nevertheless] I'm Done

I'm struggling.
I'm not ok.
I'm tired.
I need a break.
I can't do this.
I don't know how to keep going.
I'm done.

These are all things I say when I'm at the end of my rope in every sense - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. When I feel like I can no longer live my life, cope with my pain, bear the thought that this is the rest of my life. I will be ill for the rest of my life, in pain for the rest of my life, struggle with food for the rest of my life. I don't get a break from the pain, ever. It's with me even as I sleep, infiltrating my dreams. There is no respite - nothing I can take or do to get my pain to tolerable levels, levels where daily exercise is possible, levels where I can at least get a break while I sleep.

Some days the need to escape is overwhelming. It paralyzes me, shuts me down because the other option is not ok. Often it takes all I have within me to refrain from subjecting myself to a slow death just for the escape of pain medication or alcohol. Other times it takes everything to tune out the thoughts and compulsions to end the pain an a swift and permanent manner.

I don't want to die. Not really. But I also don't want to go on living like this.

I'm struggling, nevertheless I learn from the struggle.
I'm not ok, nevertheless I have people who love and support me.
I'm tired, nevertheless I have so much to look forward to.
I need a break, nevertheless I keep going.
I can't do this, nevertheless I ask for help.
I don't know how to keep going, nevertheless God is walking this journey with me, urging me onward. 
I'm done concentrating on the hardships, and will instead focus on living.