It's my birthday. My thirty-ninth birthday. I have a house full of kids ranging in ages from five to fifteen. Five of them are mine. Twenty years ago, when I was nineteen and first met my husband, I could have told you that I'd have a house full of kids - yet I sit here, stunned, that I am mother to five children. I'm just as equally stunned that I've been married for going on eighteen years, am homeschooling my kids, and am living so far out of the box as I knew it twenty years ago that I can no longer see that way of life as a possibility. I love where life has brought me.
And yet, as I sit and reflect, hiraeth overwhelms me. I yearn to feel the feeling of home I felt as a child. I long to revisit times and places in my past - those great ordinary days with loved ones - which I should have appreciated more at the time. Perhaps I just crave the feeling of being taken care of ... like those elementary school days I would feign illness just so my Grampy could come over and take care of me. He always made me ring-o-noodle soup, brought me endless cups of water, and played cards with me. I could use some of that right now.
hiraeth(n.) homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, perhaps a home that never was; or a nostalgia, yearning, and/or grief for a time or lost places in your past
Someone recently asked me what I wanted for my birthday. "I don't usually get anything for my birthday, really," I replied, "but in my dreams, I'd love a hot tub, a freezer full of good food that's ready to heat and eat, and some real time off including someone to take care of me."
I think part of it is wanting some relief from the pain and the exhaustion that is life with multiple autoimmune diseases. I want ease, not disease. I want rest. Real rest. Don't worry, everything is taken care of, you just relax and do whatever you feel like and let me know if you need anything kind of rest. Able to take enough pain meds to actually feel good and peace of mind that everyone I love is happily entertained and cared for rest.
But not today. Today my husband is home sick from work and I'm not feeling too hot myself. And so I'll run the few errands that need to be run, then take a nice, long, hot shower and hop into some fresh pjs. I'll read and watch movies and relax with my family. It will be wonderful, as is this lovely crazy life I have.