Stop the World I Want to Get Off
I'm tired of being tired. I'm sick of being sick. I'm literally and figuratively weighed down by weight I've put on as a result of prednisone combined with mobility and exhaustion issues and an over cold and snowy winter. I'm in so much pain these days, I can barely handle it. Those that know me know that that's saying a lot. Some days I just feel like crying. Days like today, I feel like giving up.
I look at all that has to be done to our house to make it manageable for me, and then at our bank balance, and wonder how it's going to happen. I want to give up and once again put the changes off until next year. I look at all the things I was hoping to be doing with my life at this point and what's realistic for me, and it gets depressing.
I want to cancel everything, curl up in bed, and turn off life for a while.
A long while.
But then there's the upcoming visit from my mother- and grandmother-in-law this weekend, which should be wonderful. They are such great people to be around and we always have fun, often staying up way past midnight playing cards and laughing loudly enough to wake the children.
And a few days after they return home, we go to our second home - Camp Calumet - for Spring Cleaning Weekend. A lot of work, but a lot of fun and fellowship in the process. And the atmosphere there is nothing but relaxing and rejuvenating.
Following that, there's Mother's Day and the Renaissance Faire and Lake Compounce Homeschool Day and Haley's Birthday and soon after that, our glorious nine days at Camp Calumet for Summer Camp.
I guess I just have too many marvelous people and awesome opportunities in my life to turn it off for a while. A day off every now and then, however, would be amazing.
That's life living with chronic illness. Sometimes it all just seems too overwhelming and it's difficult not to concentrate on the negatives. It can be too easy to let the pain and limitations overwhelm the hope and joy. As if by the flip of a switch, belief that life is good and confidence in what the future has to offer can be overcome by depression and fear. Thank God I have people in my life who stop the world for me momentarily to help me refocus and have faith.