Saturday, April 6, 2013

Nothing Left to Give

 
It was 10:38PM when we discovered the broken glass from the dvd player display. 10:38PM and I had a situation on my hands and nothing left to give. Yet I had to deal with the situation, with the child responsible, with the "I didn't do its" and the "why are you making me clean this up now?"s. So I said I love you and I know you did it and I know you didn't mean to but don't lie and yes you have to clean it up now because it's broken glass on the floor and we don't want anyone to get hurt. And I said I love you and I know this is hard but you need to tell the truth and building trust takes hard hard work and please just give me a hug and we can both go to bed. There was no hug. Only an angry child and a heartbroken mother.
 
It's 11:27PM and I go to bed but can't sleep. My mind races, trying to figure out how to proceed. I'm finding dealing with my own depression while parenting someone with depression and teenage hormones and a crazy family next to impossible. I can't help but see my teenage self in him. I'm terrified that he'll hurt himself, no matter how many times he assures me that that's one thing about which I'll never have to worry.

It was 8:00AM and I'd just gotten up, yet I had nothing left to give. I didn't sleep much, spending the night sobbing and praying and responding to every noise coming from upstairs. Sunlight streaming through the window, each child denied breaking the dvd player. One blamed the cat. I just wanted to cry. Being lied to tortures my spirit. So much work ahead, and I have nothing left to give. 

It was 9:18AM when he came downstairs with truth and an apology. It must have broken when he threw this thing into his room, he said. He really hadn't realized it. Sorry. I'm sorry, too, I said. Sometimes truth isn't right in front of us. Sometimes we need time to discover truth. And we need to realize the difference between really knowing and thinking we know. We need to leave room for maybe or I don't know. Last night if you or I could have said maybe or I don't know, then we both might not have gotten so upset. I tell him again that I love him. We hug. My heart jumps for joy. 

It is 11:22AM and I have a house full of cranky, bickering kids with bad attitudes. I have an attitude to match and nothing left to give. I have tears and anger and frustration and anxiety and a need to go somewhere and just breathe. I sit down at the computer and start typing. The kids start arguing upstairs again and I yell up to them, "I love you all very much, but would like you a lot more right now if you could just get along!" That gets me about a minute and a half of calm before another storm erupts. 

It's 11:45AM and I'm going to tell the children to make themselves lunch while I retreat to the shower and take some time out and breathe. I have nothing left to give. Nothing but love ... and sometimes that's all that matters. 

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