News Flash!

TURNIPS SPROUTING IN HOUSEHOLDS EVERYWHERE!

Screams from aggravated spouses can be heard in every neighborhood. The Turnips, once just Couch Potatoes, have de-evolved into basically useless human beings. Whereas once they merely sat in front of the tv or computer for hours on end, still capable of ungluing their eyes from the screen to fulfill basic household duties, the Turnips no longer seem to grasp many basic housecleaning concepts. The Turnip seems to have tunnel vision that prohibits them from seeing any sort of mess and memory loss activated by the act of stepping over something on the floor. These symptoms lead their partners to ask questions such as, “Could you pick that up and put it away instead of just stepping over it?” to which the Turnip responds, “Pick what up?” or the ever-popular, “How can you live in this mess?” to which the Turnip replies, “Oh, I didn’t notice.” Turnip Syndrome seems to alter the brain in such a way that the sufferer comes to believe that it’s perfectly fine to shove dirty dishes in the oven instead of actually washing them or to pick trampled clothing up off the floor, shake it out, and put it on a child or themselves.

The cause of Turnip Syndrome is unknown at this time, and researchers are looking for a cure. Some have tried to cure Turnips with the implementation of To Do Lists, but have run into the complication that the Turnip tends to either lose the list or forgets it even exists. It is known that Turnip Syndrome is aggravated by internet games, video games, cable television and Netflix. Some are affected for mere days while others seem to become Turnips for weeks, months or even years. Some go into remission only to have it resurface later. It is thought to be exacerbated by depression, anxiety, illness, chronic pain, and the presence of an overabundance of children in the household. Turnip Syndrome is thought to be highly contagious due to the fact that the person living with the Turnip often loses their mind trying to deal with the Turnip behavior.