[Seek]ing Their Own Identity

I have a child who will soon be eighteen years old. Just a couple days after their eighteenth birthday, should things go to plan, we will drop them off in another state to work for nine-ish weeks as a counselor at a Lutheran camp. They continuously astound me by overcoming their tendency toward introvertedness and shyness to pursue things they love. They also impress me with their joy in expressing who they are.

This young person came out on their seventeenth birthday as non-binary. They have now chosen a name that resonates with their being - Austen.

As Austen's mom, I do my best to use their preferred pronouns (they, them, their), and apologize should I misgender them. Now I will do the same with their name. I do have a feeling, however, that I'm going to be saying, "Hey, Austen" a lot. Their name given at birth was Haley, so when I start saying their deadname (name given at birth, no longer used) and then remember their name, it comes out "Ha- ... Austen."

When our transgender daughter, Zephyr, first came out, well-meaning friends and family members asked if I was somehow hurt or disappointed that she was going by a new name. I am neither hurt nor disappointed that either of my children have chosen names that confirm and celebrate who they are. The thought and care we put into picking out their birth names is in no way negated by the thought and care they put into their choice of new names. Many people don't think twice about a last name being changed upon entering marriage, so why be sad when a first name is changed to reflect who they are as a person?

As a parent, the best thing I can do is love my children. Not love my children unless or love my children when or love my children despite. That's not love. I will love my children as they are, as God made them. I will love them as they seek their own identities, their own ways of expressing themselves, and their own paths in life.