[Nevertheless] Believe Them

Waking from the nightmare, I trembled, compelled from my bed to make sure all was as it should be - that it was just a dream.

No one was breaking into or trying to dismantle my van, nor attempting to set my house ablaze. No one was trying to knock my door in or threatening me with a gun. Police didn't arrive, four hours later, ignoring the damage to vehicles and house and telling me to calm down, that everything was fine, that nothing had happened. My family wasn't going about their day as if nothing was happening, looking at me as if I'd lost my mind. Instead, everyone was safely, serenely sleeping while I attempted to calm my heart and my mind.

One of my biggest fears, and something that impacts my life greatly every day, is not being believed. For years, my doctors didn't believe that I was in pain, that my symptoms were real, that what I was experiencing added up to chronic illness. What that taught me was that if I acted as badly as I felt, I would be told I was faking. If I complained too much or was truthful about my level of pain, I was exaggerating. It taught me to question whether or not I was really experiencing what I thought I was experiencing or if it was all in my head. 

I continue to deal with doctors who don't believe me. Doctors who don't believe that I experience as much pain as I do because I don't act like I'm in intense pain. Doctors who don't accept that I know the difference between muscle spasms and something more sinister ... or trust that I know my body well enough to know what is or isn't going on. 

Often I feel as if my chronic illnesses are thieves in the night, lighting a fires, causing damage, threatening my existence, and inducing emotional trauma along the way, as I wait for doctor appointments that can take weeks to get only to be told that everything is fine - even if it hadn't been when I attempted to get the help I needed in the first place. 

I understand that it can be difficult to believe that people with chronic illness deal with the pain and symptoms they experience on a daily basis and that they are very ill every single day. Nevertheless, believe them. Advocate for them. Love and accept them as they are.