I never would have guessed all those years ago that he would have such a huge impact on my life. In my wildest dreams, I in no way imagined that he’d still be with me now, and without a doubt will be with me until I die. There were long periods of time when he was very distant and I thought he might leave for good, but he stuck with me through it all. It seems no matter how hard I try, I can’t get rid of him.
And boy do I wish he’d just leave! What a pain he’s been all these years! Just imagine how I feel, living with someone so inconsiderate of my needs and my wants. He keeps me up at night – and I’m so sleepy during the day! He limits my movements – there are days when he doesn’t even let me leave the house. The pain he inflicts on me has put me in a wheelchair several times.
The agony of knowing my life with him will never end and things could just get worse is overwhelming at times. I fight not only with him, but with the depression and anxiety he causes.
Why do I let him do these things to me, you ask? Don’t you see I have no choice. I’ve looked everywhere for a way out. I’ve even considered taking drugs to escape from him in a way, but those would be more harmful than the good they could do. I could move away from here to a better climate, but then I’d be away from my family and support system. My only hope is that he’ll leave of his own accord, which isn’t very likely.
I am doing things to help my situation, though. I’m getting myself as healthy as possible so I can fight back. I’m trying my best to think positively about my life every day and to find joy in what could be a life of misery and pain. I’m changing my perception of our relationship to one of respect and opportunity. I’m making positive choices in my life that will hopefully have an effect on his treatment of me.
I’m changing my perspective. Instead of pushing him away, I’m getting to know him better. I’m learning to enjoy the slower pace of life and the bliss that comes with taking the time to appreciate moments of beauty and wonder throughout my days as opposed to struggling against the limitations he has put upon me. I am finding balance rather than battling pain. I’m seeking peace with the uncertainty our relationship brings to my life.
I didn’t enter into my relationship with Psoriatic Arthritis (or Sporadic Artie, as my 3-year-old referred to “him” the other day) knowingly, but since he is in my life for good, I’m going to learn to live as well as I can with this unexpected life partner.