To Sink

I'm not doing well. 

If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that simple fact. I'm not doing well. I'm sinking into depression and anxiety. I'm struggling to come to terms with what having cirrhosis of the liver means for my life - for the quality of my life and for the quantity of my life. I still have a week to wait after a liver biopsy for more answers, and possibly more bad news. I'm not sure how much more I can take. 

I struggle most in the quiet moments and with the smallest things.

Trying to sleep at night is torture. Thoughts of the negative effects my combination of illnesses is having on my family - what this is doing to my children - constantly assault my mind. I don't want my children to have to go through watching my health decline to the point that I need a liver transplant and all that entails. I don't want to put my children through losing their mother while they're still relatively young. I hear people bemoaning turning fifty, when I'd love to have seven more years ... even though my youngest would only be seventeen.

When I get hungry, I can't just grab what I feel like eating or what's easy. I can't have the foods I crave. When my pain is at its worst and all I feel I can stand eating is something bland, I struggle to find something that doesn't go against my new low carb diet. No more comfort foods when I need comfort. No more rice or potatoes or toast when I feel I can't stomach anything else and don't have the energy to make anything else. Small things like missing out on simple joys in life can be incredible stressful and sad...especially when amplified by depression.

The amount of work that goes into taking and timing medications and supplements, the amount of time energy that I use preparing and cooking nearly everything I eat from scratch,  and the amount of thought and planning that goes into managing my illnesses and energy levels exhausts me before I set one foot out of bed in the morning.

Being chronically ill can be physically, emotionally, and mentally painful and exhausting. 

Nevertheless, I do my best to exist through my depression. I strive to connect with others, to grab onto joy wherever I can, to give something of myself each day, and to do my best to accept the help offered, whether it be a hug or a meal. I have been here before. I will get to a better place eventually, perhaps once I know where I stand with these illnesses and what my life should look like in the time to come. Or when I learn better to cope with my new limitations. Or maybe when I can let go of the fear of the impacts of my illnesses on my family. 

What I do know for sure is that no matter the test results, no matter what my future holds, I will strive to lift myself out of the darkness so that I can live every day to its fullest, whatever that looks like. Until then, please be patient and understanding with me - and with anyone who lives with chronic illnesses or chronic pain. Sometimes even the smallest kindness can stop someone from sinking.