A Weighty Discussion

My weight is out of control and it's killing me - both physically and emotionally. My nine-year-old daughter is overweight as well, and that's difficult for me, too. Healthwise, she seems to be having the same childhood I had - with joint pain, exhaustion, and weight gain no matter what foods or how little or how much she eats. Teaching her to eat healthy and encouraging her to exercise is easy, as that's normal life for us - modeling acceptance of our body types is more difficult due to my own issues. 

Growing up, I was never thin. I didn't care much until I hit my teen years. In my late teens, I worked very hard at covering up my eating disorders. I was finally at a healthy weight, but how I got there put my health and probably my life in danger. In fact, the anorexia/bulemia combined with the amount of pain medication I was on may be to blame for the liver issues I have today. 

In my early twenties, my health issues worsened and I put on some weight. After each child, I'd lose some and then gain a bunch. The past few years have been the worst, as my medical problems have limited my mobility, and thus my ability to exercise.

After keeping a food journal, consulting doctors and a nutritionist, going off gluten, and trying just about everything anyone could think of that might (safely) help, I still haven't lost weight. I say just about everything because exercise seems to be the key for me, and right now it's not happening. 

 I don't look in mirrors often, and when I do, I'm shocked. I don't feel this fat. Even though I know my health is conspiring against weight loss, I can't help but feel horrible about my weight, my body, my appearance. I can't help but be sad that I can't just decide enough is enough and do something about it. 

Or can I help it? Can I just decide to accept myself for who I am and what I look like? I don't think more or less of other people based on their weight, so why am I being so cruel to myself? Why do I find the concept of losing my hair easier to deal with than the concept of accepting my weight - even loving my body whatever I weigh?
 
Perhaps it comes down to this: Years ago I stopped caring what other people thought of me - of my choices in life, of how I dress or what I do to my hair, or how I raise my kids - but the one thing that still bothers me is people's judgement of me based on my weight. It saddens me to think that I was at my most unattractive inside when I was at my lowest weight, and now that the person I am inside has blossomed, some people can't get past my weight. It saddens me more to think that I can't get past my own weight. 


I am not my body.
I realize that. 
Perhaps I need to get past the fact that
My body is not me.