To Give Up Hugging

In looking for information on a national youth gathering, I came across an online group discussing the particulars of the gathering. One post caught my eye and broke my heart.

There are youth who attend this gathering wearing "Free Hugs" t-shirts. Offering hugs to passersby, I imagine they put smiles on many people's faces. I have a child with a Free Hugs t-shirt of his own, who is big on giving hugs, and would love to accept a hug from one or more of these huggers. I also have a hug avoider, who is very adept at avoiding hugs. 

However, there seem to be those who see danger in this practice. They quote statistics about sexual predators and claim that this practice puts their youth at risk. Some have gone so far as to ban their youth from hugging people at the gathering. It's just too dangerous.

Before I say more, I want to preface what I'm going to say by admitting that I am a survivor of sexual abuse. For a very long time, people touching me even in small, harmless ways was somewhat traumatic. I lived in fear of sexual predators. I worried that one day my child would be taken advantage by one - or worse yet, become one. I continue to work on my own hang-ups about touch. This isn't about me, but it is about not setting children up to have their own hang-ups about touch and to be unsure of the difference between innocent, loving touch and the opposite.

What bothers me about not allowing youth to hug others is more than just the act of hugging - it's making it the adult's decision, not the teen's. It's telling the children that they can't trust their own instincts - and that they may not be able to stand up for themselves - so the adults will take care of all of that by making them avoid the situation altogether.

This seems more harmful than helpful in the long run. Why not instead empower the children to trust their instincts and decide for themselves whether or not they wish to hug someone and empower them to say no if they want to refuse a hug? To do otherwise undermines the child's self confidence. To have an adult decide for them what they are and are not allowed to do with their bodies takes the power from the child as it is claimed by the adult. Teaching a child to give over control of what they do or do not do with their body to another person is the opposite of what we want to teach, setting them up to be a victim. We should instead teach children to respect others' personal space, the word no, and the confidence with which to share a hug with someone with whom they feel comfortable without assuming danger. And to say no, even mid-hug, if things feel or get weird.

Why not respect everyone's body autonomy and choice to hug or not and listen to people both when they say yes, and especially when they say no? 

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Today, I intend to...

... refuse to give up hugging friends, family members, and even strangers who are accepting of hugs.

... trust my children's judgement when it comes to physical contact with other people, and to get back to a place where I can trust my own judgement.

... encourage my children to listen to and be accepting of the no's in their lives with just as much willingness as they accept yes's.