People Keep Asking
People keep asking me what I want for Christmas. And for my birthday - the big 40 - which is five days later. "Something you want, but would never buy for yourself," one friend asked. I honestly have no idea what that is.
So much of what I want is out of reach ... making my home handicapped friendly and adequately organized, a second bathroom, a freezer full of meat so I don't have to worry about feeding my family, a way for me to make money to contribute to my family despite my ever-growing health issues. A diagnosis for my new symptoms and plan for treatment for all my medical issues. The energy to get things done and keep my house clean.
I suppose what I really want is peace of mind. Knowing my house is functional, that I can put food on the table, and that we can pay our bills without struggling. Being able to purchase health/medical items not covered by insurance without feeling guilty for taking money away from my family's needs. Knowing the possibilities of what my physical future holds instead of being off meds and left wondering and getting worse.
I've thought, and thought, and thought. Wool socks? An electric blanket? I don't know. My mind is consumed with the huge life issues and I can't think on a smaller scale.
Enough. I want enough. Enough of a change to my house where it is livable for me with decreased mobility. Enough money to pay all the bills every month. Enough food to get us through without mounting panic as the month wanes. Enough knowledge of my health issues to have a plan of action.
And I want to feel like enough. Like I'm contributing enough financially and around the house. Like I have enough energy and brain power to be a good enough mother, wife, and friend.
I know all of this will come with time, hard work, medical treatment, and with persistence. At least that's my hope.
I still don't have an answer to the question that people keep asking, but I appreciate more than words can say that there are people in my life who care enough to ask. So I guess it comes down to this: your love and caring is enough.