[a moment] of realization of what i had done

 

[moment 24]

I got up early this morning to place grocery orders so that I wouldn't have to step foot in the grocery stores. I hadn't done a big grocery shop in weeks, so I needed a lot of stuff. I placed orders at two stores that were around $350 a piece. Then I got on Amazon and ordered another $100 worth of groceries - gluten free items that are cheaper via Amazon or that I can't find in the store. And another $200 worth of medical necessities.

As I was doing all of this, I really wasn't thinking much about it - just ticking items off my shopping list and things off my to-do list.

I took round one of medication for the day. I ingested a large caffeinated beverage. I checked facebook. I played Wordle. I checked emails and texts and messages. I procrastinated actually getting out of bed. 

And during that procrastination, moments before I needed to wake up my youngest and get both of us moving, I sat, enjoying the silence and stillness of my house. It was in that meditative moment that I realized I'd just spent a thousand dollars. On a Friday morning. And I was going to go out and spend more money - money on gas and more groceries at Costco and possibly even more groceries at Target (why are gluten free chicken nuggets so difficult to find???) and more medical stuff at wherever we can find it. 

In that peaceful moment, I realized I was hemorrhaging money ... which I suppose is better than the other kind of hemorrhaging ... and I may have experienced a moment of panic and dread and frustration. It's always something. Chronic illness and celiac and trying to eat as healthy as possible are expensive. 

Then I realized we have the budget for the food. And we'll make it with the unforeseen medical expenses this month. And I once again was able to enjoy some peace.

And then in the next moment, I realized again what I'd done. I'd bought enough food to hopefully get us through the next few weeks, and medical supplies for the month. Our fridge and freezers and pantry and medical kits will be full, and my mind at ease about these things for a while. 

I realized something else, too - that I was going to have to find room for all the food. Maybe I'll leave that up to the kids...