[a moment] of being done

 [moment 20]

I'm having a difficult time today. 

I want to do things, but the simplest tasks seem insurmountable. I'm not sure if it's the pain, the anxiety, or the exhaustion - or if all three are conspiring to make me feel useless and helpless and like the little I can do doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. 

Knowing that the new treatment for my autoimmune arthritis will take months more to work - if it even works at all - and that the pain I'm in and can't treat is just going to get worse is just as torturous as the pain itself. 

I'm overwhelmed and sad and anxious and I feel defeated. Like I just don't have anything left with which to deal with the physical and psychological pain of living in this body. I can't rest, not because I don't have the opportunity to do so, but because of the pain.  I'm done, but I can't be done. I can't even get a break. 

So I take a moment or two or a hundred to light a candle, heat up my heating pad, lay down, put on some music, close my eyes, and just breathe. And pray. And think about the abundance of blessings in my life. I take a moment to be done with the negativity ... and a few more moments to take a nap.