To Transform

When Alia, my youngest child, was a preschooler, she assumed that boys had long hair and girls had short hair. After all, her sister and mama had short hair and her brothers had long hair. She would meet someone new, look at their hair, and use the pronoun she associated with their hair length. Sometimes she was right ... more often than not, she was wrong. Someone would correct her, and she would continue with life using the correct pronoun for that person's gender, eventually learning that outer appearance had nothing to do with gender.

Recently, I was having a conversation with someone who was talking about their grandchild, who was born male, but identifies as female. She came out as transgender years ago and has been living as the wonderful woman she is ever since. Yet this person refused to call her by her chosen name and her appropriate gender. Their reasoning was that she would always be their "best buddy" grandson...as "he" had been from the time "he" was born. I wasn't sure how to respond and didn't think much, if anything, I had to say on the matter would even be heard by this person, who seemed set in their ways.

Over the next few weeks, I thought about this conversation and about what I could have said to them... what I could have done. And then, by chance, I ran into the person again at the store. They started to say something about their granddaughter, using her name and sex assigned at birth. I stopped them and told the story about Alia and hair lengths and gender assumptions.

And then I said that I know how difficult it is to spend a person's lifetime thinking about them one way and calling them one thing, and then to have to put your assumptions and ingrained societal doctrines aside and accept the person for who they really are ... that sex assigned at birth and gender are two completely different things.

I asked him if he would prefer I call him by his male name and pronouns, since he identifies as a male, or could I make the decision that I would assume he was female by the pink and purple shirt he was wearing, as I was brought up thinking of those as girl colors.

He was silent for a moment, and then said that I had a point. He hadn't really seen it any other way than how he wanted to see it, because he felt like he was losing his grandson. I assured him that nothing was lost, as his grandson had always been a granddaughter - it was only his image of who that person was that needed to change. Loss, I pointed out, would be distancing himself from his beloved grandchild by not believing and accepting her truth.

Just like Alia, I went on to explain, you can be sure someone is one gender by the way they appear to you and your culturally based assumptions, and then stand corrected when your assumptions turn out to be wrong. It doesn't say anything negative about you if you make an incorrect assumption, but it speaks volumes if you choose not to believe the person or fail to make the neccessary correction. Seemingly at a loss for words, he nodded, took a deep breath, thanked me, and hurried away because he had "a very important phone call to make." 

It saddens me when transgender people, especially youth, aren't believed ... when it's assumed they're going through a phase ... when they're denied gender confirming pronouns, names, and therapies because of fear or bias or assumptions that one knows the person better than they know themselves. If necessary, names can be changed back, hormones can be stopped, but the lasting psychological effects of not being accepted for who you know yourself to be can last a lifetime - or end a life.
Discomfort when using preferred pronouns is natural in the beginning. It's ok to ask for time and grace while getting used to a new name and new image of someone you thought you knew. They/them pronouns aren't as tricky as you think (reread the second and third paragraph above), and it's astounding how quickly you can retrain your brain to say and accept the correct things. The love you have for the person doesn't have to change. Love is blind to gender. Love accepts. Love perseveres. 

Love transforms.