Fine Line

I'm lost.

Everything has caught up with me all at once.

Life is more than I can handle.

Desperately exhausted and in so much pain, depression sinks its claws into my sanity and shreds it to pieces. I just want everything to stop. I just want rest. Peace. Freedom from everything that's suffocating me,

Here there is no ray of hope, only ever-consuming darkness. My worth is gone. I am only a burden.

To everyone.

To my children, who are forced to live with a mother who can't do nearly enough for them, who can't work and provide financially for them, and who screws up the finances time and time again because her brain doesn't function properly.

To my husband, who can barely lay a hand on me without me flinching because of the disease-caused pain; who cannot understand how my heart breaks every day because I feel so unloveable; who works so hard, yet gets so little in return.

To my friends and family, who help me in so many ways, and to whom I'll always owe more than I can ever possibly repay.

I don't want to do this anymore. I can't. I don't have it in me to face another day like this.

Here, love is a rumor and God's voice a mere whisper. All good things seem too far away. Here, only pain and desolation. Only the need for the pain... for everything ... to stop.

But it doesn't stop. It never stops. Each day comes, as insistent as the last. The agony of existence informing my thoughts. Thoughts that I have to keep to myself, lest they infect someone else. 

Everything's fine here. I'm fine. 

--------------------------LIFE IS TOO MUCH.---------------------------

Everything's fine here. I'm fine.

It doesn't stop. It never stops. Each day comes, as insistent as the last. The exhilaration of existence informing my thoughts. Thoughts that I share with others in hopes that my joy will infect someone else.

Here, love is a rule and God's voice sounds like laughter and kindness and love. All good things seem to seek me out. Pain doesn't overwhelm happiness, it highlights it. Only the need to learn to work with the pain, and within its limitations... to get along with it instead of fighting it or wishing it away.

I can't wait to do more. I can't. I don't know if I have it in me to wait for another day like this.

Here there is only hope, only all-consuming ideas and dreams. It feels so good to give. I am finally useful. 

To everyone.

To my friends and family, whom I will never be able to repay for their generosity in supporting the creative pursuits my children and I get ourselves into and who get to experience the fruits of our labors first hand - if they're brave enough. 

To my husband, who takes joy in seeing me passionate about what I'm doing.

To my children, who see a mother who doesn't suffer from disease, but lives and thrives despite it.

Desperately exhausted and in so much pain, my joy-soaked spirit soars. I don't want to stop, but my body craves rest. Peace.  A break from the blissful creative whirlwind that envelops me. 


I walk the fine line of LIFE IS TOO MUCH every single day. 

Depression sways me to the extreme some days, elation to the other extreme other days. The dark days and the days of sheer brilliance both overwhelm me, but in diametrically opposing ways...both with a plethora of tears.

To all who walk the fine line: treasure the times of too much goodness. Feel it. Embrace it. Hold onto the feeling of it - the feeling of who you are when you are experiencing it. That is your light. 

In times of darkness, know that that light is within you. It may flicker, but it will never truly go out. It will grow stronger as it burns off the fog of illness or depression or difficult times. You will shine again.