an I [moment]

[moment 346]

I keep trying to put the oxygen mask on my own face so that I can be of help to others, but it keeps getting yanked off by circumstances more critical than my own. 

I had to postpone the injections into my SI joints that may make walking and sleeping and sitting and moving and existing less excruciatingly painful. From November until January. Because one of my children had an appointment more urgent. I had to put off my infusion for a week because of changed family plans that changed again. I haven't scheduled a much needed appointment because I just can't figure out when to fit it in to my schedule. 

I have barely had a moment to myself in months. Everyone needs something all the time, or my company even if we're not actively interacting with each other, or when I have time to myself, I need to spend it researching or making calls or sending emails or doing Christmassy things. 

I'm not helping out family members as much as I should be. I'm not available to some of my children as much as I need to be. And I barely communicate with friends because by the time I have a chance to sit down and answer texts and phone calls, I can barely string two words together. 

I just want an actual break. Instead, I'm probably heading toward a breakdown. 

Instead of looking forward to Christmas, I'm struggling to figure out how to get vehicles fixed and get a new fridge before ours completely dies and pay taxes and manage so many appointments and to have time and energy for the people in my life whom I value beyond measure.