[a moment] of disbelief

[moment 55]

Two vehicles. One tree. The tree won. Twice.

The moment we discovered neither vehicle was ok was a true moment of disbelief. It just couldn't be. My mind couldn't cope. 

I sit here waiting on our insurance company to tell us when they can look at my van. To find out where it needs to go to get looked at. To find out whether repairs will be covered. To find out if we can get a rental car in the meantime. The car is a total loss.

Offers of rides and posts asking if there's anything friends can do have been pouring in, but there's really nothing to do right now but wait on insurance and what they say. I want to cry, to panic, to not feel so helpless and hopeless and poor. We live paycheck to paycheck. We can't afford the missed work, the time it takes to find out if we're getting any money toward repairs or replacements, the time it takes to get repairs done and to find vehicles, nevermind afford them. 

We are blessed that my parents will help as they can financially and perhaps my husband's family will help with finding a car. I know everything will be ok...eventually. Our friends and family will help make sure of that. But the truth is, in the moment, my OCD is in overdrive and I can't get the what ifs to stop.

I'm not good at this stuff. I'm good at faking being ok when I'm on the phone with friends and acquaintances. I'm able to look for the good then, but in the between times are an anxiety-ridden nightmare. Mental illness sucks. So does not being able to admit how panicked I am when friends who really care ask if I'm ok. 

My mind will eventually calm down. Maybe before things are sorted, most likely after I know that we're on the road to being ok.