a breakdown [moment] and a hug

 

[moment 34]

I was exhausted and in so much pain. I probably should have stayed in bed, but my curiosity as to what was going to happen next in our Dungeons & Dragons campaign overruled whatever common sense I have left. I gathered my supplies and joined my kids and my husband at the table. It was probably not the best decision. 

As the battle we were in progressed, my brain had trouble keeping up. I'm still relatively new at D&D and don't have the knowledge base that the other players have. On top of that, pain and exhaustion muddled my brain and I had difficulty making sense of the explanations given to me. I, a forty-seven year old adult, broke down in tears out of sheer frustration and just not being ok. And perhaps a lot of guilt over the many ways my chronic illnesses and pain negatively impact my family. I wanted to continue playing and for everyone to have fun, but I wasn't sure it was going to happen and if it didn't, I was going to ruin everyone's night. 

The thing is, I have the most understanding kids on the planet. I got up, walked away, and took some medication and some time to gather myself. I returned to the table and to the game. I still wasn't ok, and my kids knew it, but they did their best to work with me as I worked through being completely overwhelmed by pain and emotion. 

I took deep breaths. I calmed myself down. I muddled through gameplay. And I did what I always do - used my sense of humor to the best of my ability to lighten the mood and resume the fun. My duplicate self (in the game) hugged a construct into oblivion.