balance for [a moment]

 

[moment 233]

I haven't been on social media much lately, so I hopped on Facebook and scrolled for a while and then realized I was getting more and more sad the longer I scrolled.

Photos of friends and family on vacations and spending time with loved ones and going hiking and biking and kayaking and running and showing off their new spaces and new things and all the good things going on in their lives. And the reality was that as much as my heart celebrated milestones reached and amazing accomplishments and others' happiness, I just couldn't take all those shiny happy posts. 

What was missing was balance. We tend to post the best of ourselves and our lives when that's not the full picture.

My reality is a messy, discombobulated house with too many projects going on, clean clothes to put away, dishes in the sink, and lots of dust. It's me in the same clothes I wore yesterday because I don't have the energy or pain threshold to shower or change. It's me in bed all day because I did things the day before and need a day or two to recuperate. It's a drawer full of medications and a special bin in my fridge for my injections. It's doctor's appointments and infusions and spending way too much time on the phone fighting to get us all the healthcare we need - and failing most of the time. 

But it's also playing games and watching things and having fun with my kids. It's visiting my parents and having lunch with them and looking through old photos with my mom. It's a friend stopping by with a caffeinated beverage just to chat for a few moments or a trip to the thrift store in search of treasures with my children. It's dying hair and drawing tattoos and cooking good food. It's going to free theater performances or hoping our favorite haunts aren't too busy to be safe when we venture out and about. It's a midweek trip to Calumet this Autumn. 

Inundating my mind with images of other's lives through the lens of all things good and glorious can be damaging on days when depression and anxiety are getting the better of me. But plant me on the mental illness / neurodivergent / chronic illness sides of TikTok (and mix in some queer content and some Dungeons & Dragons) and somehow life is ok. It's all about balance.