Fighting for [Adventure]

 [Adventure 280]

Sometimes life gets to me. I have days when I don't want to deal with anything... not with my medical issues, or managing my children's health issues, or with cooking or cleaning or volunteering or driving or any of it. I don't want to make sure everyone is doing what they are supposed to be doing just so I can have a house that's some semblance of clean. I just want to exist - for even just a few hours - free of everything life is incessantly throwing at me.

On days like today, my fight is gone. I'm tired of fighting to get the medications I need to try to feel just a little bit better. I'm tired of the side effects of the medications I'm on. I'm tried of spending time every single day communicating with doctors, pharmacies, physical therapists, specialists, schedulers, nurses, radiologists, and residents and making very little, if any, headway on getting answers or care that improves my health even a little bit. I'm tired of fighting pain and exhaustion to act "normal" and not inflict my misery on those around me. I'm tired of not remembering what it is to not be in pain, to have energy, to be happy, to be able to think clearly. 

I have days when I can do more things, but I no longer have good days. I have days when my pain isn't overwhelming, but I don't have pain-free days. I have days when I don't end up in tears, but they're few and far between. I feel joy every day, but it's measured in moments, not in a state of being. 

I saw a doctor in March who recommended I see a specialist so I could get a test that I urgently need. I'm finally getting the test in November after months of back and forth with a specialist, being referred to yet another specialist, and finally seeing the doctors I needed to to get the test done. 

I spent a couple years trying to talk a doctor into putting me on a medication that actually helps and then finally got a new doctor who agrees I need the medication only to have to fight the insurance company to allow me to be prescribed it. 

I'm tired of fighting to get the care I need, fighting my body to do what I need to do, and of not being able to just get through one day without intolerable pain. This is not the adventure I want to be on.