[Adventure] in Faking It

[Adventure 107]

Like most people who live with chronic illnesses, I'm often told I'm faking it.

People have said it behind my back, to my face, to others, and occasionally to me. I've heard it from friends, family, even doctors. "You must be faking it." "You couldn't possibly have all those things wrong with you." "Why are you pretending to be disabled?"

You know, I have to admit it. I am faking it. Every single day.

Every day I put a smile on my face and talk in a normal tone of voice. Most days I cook, clean, do volunteer work. I paint, draw, shop, plan. I do what I can to be kind, helpful, and generous. I do my best to appear normal, happy, pain-free. 

But I'm faking it. 

Every day I'm faking being ok. I am in extreme pain every single day of my life. I cannot take pain medication due to liver issues. There is little relief from ice or hot packs and my TENS unit. I battle depression, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive disorder. I do my best to cope with the extreme exhaustion that comes from not ever getting quality sleep. I deal with side effects of medications that are only slightly more helpful than they are harmful. Despite all this, I do my best to act as if I'm not suffering. 

Until I can't.

There are times when it all gets too much for me to handle. There are days when my body or my mind or both shut down. It's only then that I act as ill as I am.

So please understand - just because I'm acting like I'm ok, it doesn't mean that I am. I'm faking it.