[Adventure] in Confessing to Something

 [Adventure 89]

I need to confess to something.

So many people these days are excited about getting "back to normal" after over a year in a pandemic. At this moment, I am not. I'm not at all excited about going back into the world and doing things. In fact, I'm having major anxiety over even thinking about it.

Don't get me wrong - seeing people and hugging people and doing theater stuff and church stuff and homeschool stuff is all very appealing and I miss the people and places and doing the things associated with all of that. But anxiety overrides the joy I feel when thinking about returning to those things.

I have an anxiety disorder and part of it manifests in a way that is thoroughly helpful when one has to be cooped up in one's home for a year and a half, but it utterly unhelpful when returning to the world. The longer I'm at home, the more difficult it is for me to get back to life and the more anxiety I feel. It was hard enough re-entering the world after an illness went through out household and kept us from normal activities for a week or two. Going back to things after a year plus is daunting.

And there isn't a concrete thing or experience that I fear. I can't put a finger on exactly what it is that I fear. 

And beyond anxiety, I'm not sure what normal I'm looking forward to. I've needed and treasured this time at home (while at the same time needing to get out and do things and resenting being cooped up). I've been busy doing things for church, doing home improvement projects, and taking care of medical things for myself and my children. It's been nice not having to drive to and from activities every day. It's been quieter. More peaceful. And yet I feel for my teen and young adult children who miss friends, would like jobs, and crave interactions and activities. I miss gathering at the table with church family on Tuesday nights and Sunday mornings. Most of us miss theater and arts activities and performances. 

So I take deep breaths and work each day getting myself used to the idea of leaving my house on a regular basis, increased interactions with people, and a return of busy-ness that doesn't take place within these walls. And helping my children with a transition to a new normal when the time comes.