[Seek] To Go Beyond Yourself

[Advent 12]

Several times in the past week alone, I've heard people talk about how they felt some sort of loss when someone they love came out as transgender. 

The running theme from these well-intentioned people seeking advice on how to move forward was mourning the death of someone they knew and loved, yet wanting to support this new being they now found before them. 

I don't think they understand. 

The boy or girl, man or woman you know and love is still the same person you love ... but you didn't know this one thing about them. Their soul is the same. Their interests are the same. Their love and kindness and all the things that truly make them who they are are the same. What's new is their taking ownership of self, expressing that self authentically, and perhaps changing their outward appearance to be something that brings them joy instead of sadness, anxiety, or dysphoria.

What needs to change is you. You need let go of your image of this person in order to go beyond your preconceived notions about this person... about who you think they are as it relates to gender; about who you thought they would be in the future; about what it means for this person to be the gender you assumed they were. You need to understand what gender is - that it has nothing to do with sexual organs, develops independently of and at a different time than sexual organs, and can only determined by each individual. That gender is not a binary, it's a spectrum. You need to overcome your own biases against LGBTQIA+ people. You need to go beyond your own selfish wants for this person, realizing that each person on this earth is their own person, in charge of their own body, mind, actions, and feelings. That their life is theirs alone and your vision of who this person should be has no bearing on who this person is. 

You need to realize that no one died. There is no one to mourn. This person before you should be celebrated for claiming their authentic self and living their truth. This person should be loved unconditionally. This person should be supported through the ups and downs of transition, whatever that looks like for them. Their pronouns and name - not preferred pronouns...just pronouns - should be used and respected. The only things that should die are their deadname, their former pronouns, and your opinion of who they could or should have been.

If someone you love comes out as transgender, all you need to do is love and respect them. Use their new name and pronouns. Ask them how you can best support them. Be there for them. Do not out them - it's their story to tell, not yours. Realize that their transition journey will be unique to them and may not look as you expect it to. Love them through it all.