[Nevertheless] Everything Turned Out Fine

There was a car, on fire, facing the wrong way on the highway as we drove home. I couldn't help but think that that car was me - exactly how I was feeling in that moment - broken down, heading the wrong way, engulfed in flames. 

I know I need to let go of expectations, as I don't live in a family or in a body that are complaint with expectations. I expect to be able to plan ahead, at least for some things. Apparently I cannot, for anything. Either someone has something to do that they failed to tell me about or my chronic illnesses conspire against me.

The past twenty-four hours has been a good example of just about every expectation I've had not being met. 

Last night, I was expecting to have pizza for dinner - a treat for me, as I've been eating low carb and rarely indulge. I asked my husband if he'd make pizza for dinner, stressing that I haven't had pizza in a while. He heard, "we haven't had pizza in a while" and assumed that since I haven't been eating pizza, he shouldn't make any without sauce for me, as my body and tomatoes aren't on speaking terms. When I got home, my spirits were crushed right along with my expectations of late-night pizza after a looooong day.  Had I communicated more clearly that I was planning my entire day of eating around eating pizza for dinner, perhaps things would have gone differently. 

My sixteen year old daughter, Haley, is in a play at Epoch Arts and it's Tech Week, which means six days in a row of rehearsals which last anywhere from 3-5 hours each. The play is incredibly emotional and deals with difficult and heavy subject matter. It's going to be a tougher Tech than usual. Because of this, Haley and I planned a fairly relaxing and fun afternoon together for today, after I got home from bringing her older sister, Zephyr, to a doctor appointment.

Just as we were about to leave for said appointment, Zephyr announced plans to return to her boyfriend's house this evening. When I mentioned Haley and I had plans that didn't include extra people, she decided it would be just as easy to return after her appointment. That was all fine and good, but had I been told this the day before, we could have planned one trip to the town in which both boyfriend and Epoch Arts are located instead of driving a gas-guzzling fifteen passenger van back and forth twice. But seeing as we were about to head out the door and Haley had yet to shower, thing didn't go as expected. I hadn't factored in an extra half hour of travel time.

Now... had this not all gone down mid-migraine, on the first day of a certain time of month, and when I'm battling a cold, I might not have descended into tears quite so easily. But when I can barely deal with the pain I'm in, I cannot deal with expectations going out the window. I needed to have a relaxing afternoon as much as Haley did. I needed to not feel rushed, to know I had time to get everything done that I wanted and needed to do, to move as slowly as was necessary, to have fun rather than watch the clock. And to not spend so much time driving, making my migraine worse. 

Nevertheless, everything turned out fine. 

Haley and I successfully procured black leggings at the first stop on our quest, getting the only essential errand out of the way fairly quickly. We then proceeded to a nice late lunch-ish meal, having a wonderful conversation on the way. A quick trip to Aldi for necessities (and non-necessities)  and a just-in-case bag of gluten-free chicken nuggets to keep at Epoch for days when all goes awry or we forget to bring food was next on the list. We then obtained a medicinal macchiato for my migraine followed by vegan chocolate to keep the artistic director of the play satiated at least for a day or two before picking up a couple cast members and heading to rehearsal. 

Not once did I feel rushed. We had more time than I had anticipated. And just because things didn't go as expected, it didn't mean that they didn't go well.

At first glance, both the car incident and the unmet expectations seemed more dire than they were in reality. There had been no one in the vehicle, which was being towed when it burst into flames. I emerged from my conflagration of emotions relatively unscathed. 

(I apologize heartily to my husband, who had to help calm the flames of  my fiery state of mind).