[Nevertheless] Hope Begins in the Dark

Many nights, as I try to fall asleep, unpleasant thoughts assault my mind. Things I should have done, could have said, and things that might happen in the future interrupt my slumber, jolting me awake just as I'm drifting off. Some nights, panic rises as soon as my head hits the pillow. Guilt over the havoc my illnesses wreak on my family and exhaustion in every sense of the word fuse with physical pain to torture my entire being. As my husband effortlessly sleeps, I do my best just to breathe. 

And so I pray. I pray for guidance to do the right things, for forgiveness for what I've done wrong or neglected to do, for the ability to be enough for my family, for peace. I pray that my husband can release the guilt and pain he experiences to feel God's forgiveness and to fully forgive himself for mistakes he's made. I thank God for blessings upon blessings in my life. 

In leaving my guilt and my pain at the foot of the cross and pouring out gratitude for this wonderful life God has gifted me, hope alights on my soul, wrapping it in love and grace.

Despair overtakes me in the night, nevertheless, hope begins in the dark. As I work through the pain of setting the past free, hope begins its craft of opening my eyes to the wonders the future may hold. Hope reminds me that I don't have to carry the weight of who I've been, that I can greet the dawn anew, forgiven, loved.