[reason 202] because i have to

There are some days when my reason for living is simply because I have to. I don't have a choice. I might not even particularly want to for one reason or another, but I have to.  

I've really been struggling lately. We have no money and thousands of dollars of taxes to pay. Every time I think I have a handle on our finances, more medical expenses not covered by insurance pop up, more things around the house need fixing, more money-sucking emergencies big and small happen, and I find myself throwing money at all life's fires in hopes that some of them will be fixed to the point where I won't need to throw more money on them for a while. With multiple children dealing with some hefty health issues, as well as myself, it's impossible to catch up - or catch a break.

I've really been struggling lately. I am in more pain than I've ever been in (constantly) in my entire life. I've had a migraine for months. My back pain is enough to drive me literally insane, and just sucks the joy out of living. It feels as if I'm being stabbed between the shoulder blades while at the same time, smaller knives are stabbing me in the chest and white hot rods are being forced down through my sacroiliac joints into my femurs. I struggle to stand. To walk. To engage in life. To be present for everyone who depends on me.

I'm constantly stressed about money and my health and the health of everyone I love. I feel stretched too thin, helping whom I can when I can, while at the same time sure I'm not doing enough, not being enough, and am screwing everything up. 

Some days living is just too difficult. On those days, I choose to live out of spite.