Secret Missions and Love ADVENTures

Our past two ADVENTures have had to do a great deal with love. We left a little secret something for someone who we love - who shares her time and talents with others and (usually) has a good sense of humor about it. And then we endeavored to let someone in our lives know how much we love them and why - by telling them through conversation, letter, or other means of communication.

In thinking about with whom I would have this conversation, it brought to light all the people in my life whom I love and who love me. Honestly, I was having a day during which I was feeling unloved, and not loving myself a whole bunch either. Actually, not loving myself at all. 

I had really messed up our finances. It was my fault. I forgot to deduct things that needed to be deducted. I recorded a deposit wrong. I forgot to postpone a monthly shipment. I assumed money was in our account that wasn't. I discovered all this toward the end of a day following a nearly sleepless night. A day in which I went from running errands to a meeting to an appointment for one child to an activity for another, functioning mostly on autopilot for the latter half of the day- just getting through the day, the pain, the exhaustion, and trying to do it with a smile on my face and with as much joy as I could muster. A peek at my bank balance to make sure everything was as I thought it was turned out to be the thing that put me over that edge that I'd been teetering on all day. I felt stupid. Worthless. Like I just couldn't do a single thing right anymore. 

The latter isn't far from the truth, actually. My brain is not functioning properly. I'm in constant, intense pain and so exhausted that I can barely think. I fail to make connections that should be easily made or are just plain common sense. I don't see things that are right in front of my face. And there's nothing I can do other than take supplements I can't afford to buy, take the one medicine Medicaid will cover, and pray that at some point I'll be able to get on a medication that will slow my disease enough for me to function well, instead of barely or not at all. 

And I had to reach out to someone who loves me to ask for help. Even though I've asked them for more and more help lately and as a forty-two year old woman, feel I shouldn't have to anymore. Asking for help is hard, especially as someone who feels called to help others. 

So to all the helpers out there - thank you; I love you; you are appreciated.
And to all those who need help - I love you; you are worthy.
Now to convince myself of that... because sometimes love is easier to give away than it is to feel about yourself.