[Seek] To Defy Expectations

In the Reach the Beach Walk group I'm in, we have weekly themes. This past week, our theme was what we've learned over these past ten weeks of walking. It's been on my mind all week, but I didn't really delve into what I've learned...that is, until my most recent doctor appointment. 

I signed up to do this walk and the Reach the Beach 2.0 Run (roll in my wheelchair for me!) to support Camp Calumet this year, when my hopes were high that I could and would improve my stamina, get in better shape, and improve my overall health. My plan was to hike every weekend, walk on my treadmill when I could, and to roll in my wheelchair with my daughter a few times a week. 

Unfortunately, my body refused to go along with my plan. My sleep has been horrible, my body and mind sluggish. When I do exercise, I feel my body crashing as soon as any real exertion begins. After two miles of hiking, I literally cannot function, and my body is done for days.

During my doctor appointment I learned a lot. I learned the medication that is treating a serious, life-threatening condition I live with isn't doing what it needs to to adequately treat my condition. That my low energy levels and my body's inability to cope with exertion, heat, temperature change, etc. are caused by this. That I will most likely need to go on a new medication, that will hopefully help me gain energy and prevent the physical crashes I've been experiencing as of late.

And I learned that, until I'm on new meds, find the appropriate dosage and schedule to meet my body's needs, and know they're helping my body to function properly, I absolutely should never hike or otherwise exercise alone. That my doctor has no idea how I'm functioning at all, nevermind doing what I'm doing. That just getting out of bed and doing normal household tasks goes beyond what should be expected from me at this point.

I also learned that I strive to defy expectations. 

Most people with my combination of chronic illnesses and my level of chronic pain struggle with what it is to exist in our bodies. I live this struggle, but also live beyond it. I seek joy in the little things and the big things. I embrace cozy days in bed painting, watching movies with my children, reading, or creating digital content for my church. I seek ways in which to be productive, to give back to the communities in which I'm involved while still protecting my health. I push myself to defy what doctors think is possible and explore my physical limits, while doing my best to respect my body when its response is no or slow down or are you insane?!

What I've learned during these past ten weeks is that it's also OK to not live up to others' expectations. Because I manage my outward mood so well, hiding my pain and struggle as to not have it negatively impact those around me, often people expect me to always be happy and responsible and coping well with my illnesses and pain. It's ok to defy these expectations as well. I am allowed to have bad moods and bad days. I will occasionally drop the ball on things, just like any other human being. I will say no, I cannot do that or this is exactly what I need at this moment. I will let others take care of me when I'm struggling just to breathe. 

Most of all, what I've learned during this ten weeks is that I am able to live the life I live with joy and gratitude because of the communities in which I am blessed to be included. The amazing human beings in these communities lift each other up, are there for each other through our struggles, and look for ways to be kind, helpful, and supportive.

I also learned that snakes are fruits, but that's another story.