[Nevertheless] This Is What You Don't Understand

You don't understand. And I'm not sure you can understand.

Living with multiple chronic illnesses, I live each day of my life sicker than you probably have ever been in yours. I put more energy toward meeting basic daily needs than you do. I use as much, if not more, headspace managing my illness as you do managing your entire life. I don't get time off from being sick, from being in pain, from thinking about how my illnesses might affect every moment of my life. And how it affects the lives of those around me. I have to face my mortality every day.

I am going to get overwhelmed by things you consider insignificant.
I am going to get frustrated by things you don't consider important.

There are days - most days - when I have little energy and huge responsibilities and commitments. I can't blow off my medical appointments or my children's doctor appointments because I don't feel well. I would like to have enough energy to do the things I enjoy, and most days, any extra work I need to do can sap what little reserves I have. When I'm inconvenienced, it takes it's toll on me, emotionally and physically. I try to have a positive attitude about things, to be patient, to be understanding, to go with the flow, but most days it's a struggle.

Some days I just get angry. Angry at my body for not doing what I want it or need it to do. Angry at the toll my illness takes on my family and on our finances. Angry that I can't handle all of this with more grace.

You don't understand. You don't understand that despite all of this, life is still so very worth it. That there are still joyful moments, precious hours, invaluable days spent with people I love and care about. That I can be in pain, depressed, struggling, and still have hope and dreams and good times.