To Have an Autistic Child
As a mama to two high functioning autistic children, I often get asked questions, which I'm happy to answer. One question that catches me off guard every time is the question of how long I mourned or if I continue to mourn the person my autistic child would have been if they hadn't been autistic... or as some put it, "the child I lost." I have a feeling people are taken aback at my answer.
I have spent exactly no time mourning my child's autism or any sort of would-be could-be child. It never occurred to me to do such a thing. I suppose I didn't spend my pregnancies or children's early years dreaming of what my child might become...a doctor, a lawyer, an artist, a stay-at-home parent. Instead, I was and continue to be excited to see them grow and develop and become whomever they want to be. The only expectations I have of my children's futures are that they be themselves and do their best to live their lives to the fullest. Some people are autistic, just like some people are artistic, or have ocd, or think math is fun, or like to wear neon colors that blind their mother. Autism is just a part of who these people are - it doesn't make them somehow less than or different from who they should be.
I can understand how heartbreaking an autism diagnosis can be for some parents. You have big dreams for your children, an idea of who they are going to be and what they might accomplish - and you receive a diagnosis that shatters those dreams. Your child's future is no longer in focus, and the learning curve for parenting a child with autism is steep. You're unsure what the future holds or what to think about your child.
If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that autistic people aren't somehow less nor are their lives diminished because of their autism. One of the best words one of my autistic children ever used to describe his experience was "enhanced." He explained that his senses are enhanced, therefore making it difficult to process the world when there are too many things barraging his senses. He explained that his "inner life" - life inside his head - is also enhanced compared to what other people have described. This makes it easier for him to get stuck in his own mind, just like I get stuck in a book I'm reading and fail to notice the chaos around me.
The autism diagnoses brought me better understanding of my children, but didn't change who they are or who they are going to be. They've always been on this path, and I'm happy to travel with them as long or as often as they need me to, encouraging them to grow along the way... just like I do for my neurotypical children. The moments my suspicions of autism were confirmed by medical professionals were a-ha moments, not oh-no moments. The diagnoses helped me to see the differences in how they interact with the world, giving me more patience with them as well as a better understanding of how to nurture and encourage them.
My autistic children have definitely enhanced my life. Their unique ways of perceiving and interacting with the world have taught me volumes, and for that, I'm grateful.
I can understand how heartbreaking an autism diagnosis can be for some parents. You have big dreams for your children, an idea of who they are going to be and what they might accomplish - and you receive a diagnosis that shatters those dreams. Your child's future is no longer in focus, and the learning curve for parenting a child with autism is steep. You're unsure what the future holds or what to think about your child.
If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that autistic people aren't somehow less nor are their lives diminished because of their autism. One of the best words one of my autistic children ever used to describe his experience was "enhanced." He explained that his senses are enhanced, therefore making it difficult to process the world when there are too many things barraging his senses. He explained that his "inner life" - life inside his head - is also enhanced compared to what other people have described. This makes it easier for him to get stuck in his own mind, just like I get stuck in a book I'm reading and fail to notice the chaos around me.
The autism diagnoses brought me better understanding of my children, but didn't change who they are or who they are going to be. They've always been on this path, and I'm happy to travel with them as long or as often as they need me to, encouraging them to grow along the way... just like I do for my neurotypical children. The moments my suspicions of autism were confirmed by medical professionals were a-ha moments, not oh-no moments. The diagnoses helped me to see the differences in how they interact with the world, giving me more patience with them as well as a better understanding of how to nurture and encourage them.
My autistic children have definitely enhanced my life. Their unique ways of perceiving and interacting with the world have taught me volumes, and for that, I'm grateful.
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