To Be

I'm my grandmother's granddaughter. When on vacation, Nana would wake us up at the crack of dawn to get dressed and ready for the day. We'd have eaten breakfast before most vacationers were out of bed, and be on our way for a day full of activity. It's vacation - we need to DO things!!! I tend to be the same way, wanting to schedule things for each day to "get the most" out of our time.

We were at Camp Calumet in Freedom, New Hampshire for fifteen days.

For the first week, all of our children were at resident camp, except for the eldest child, who stayed home. My husband and I had a child-free week to do whatever our hearts desired - within physical and financial reason. We went to a local production of The Producers, which was absolutely amazing. We hiked Jackman Ridge in intense heat and humidity. We went kayaking at dawn. We hiked the waterfall trail at Castle in the Clouds. We attended a performance of Blue Hill Brass, as well as the Drama Camp performance. We went to the movies and out to dinner at the delicious Wicked Fresh. It was a very active week...and if you just went by my social media posts, you would think I was living my life like a normal person.

What doesn't make it to social media are the exhausted hours I spent in bed consumed by pain, too ill to lift my arm to take a photo, head pounding too badly to look at a phone screen.

That week at camp, and the one that followed, consisted mostly of me paying extremely close attention to my health, taking twice (or more) my normal dose of prescription steroids in order to function, and spending hours upon hours in bed. On hikes, I had to stop often, make sure I was drinking enough electrolyte drink, maintaining a healthy heart rate, and not getting too overheated in order to avoid adrenal crisis. My body needed a two to three day recovery period after hikes, during which I spent the majority of my time in bed in my tent. 

I felt blessed that we were able to go to the Conference Center at Camp Calumet every morning for a gluten-free breakfast, that I could spend over an hour afterwards taking some me time on a couch in the Micah Room before Bible Study, and I got to experience interesting and inspiring bible studies...that we ate simple lunches and my husband grilled dinner and cleaned up afterwards so I could rest ... that I packed plenty of books, and that, when I ran out, there were books to borrow in the camp store. Most of all, I was blessed to have a husband who understands the relaxation that is part of vacation, and that he was able to quiet my Nana's voice in my head suggesting that I was somehow missing out on vacation by not doing, going, experiencing something new every waking moment.

During our time at Calumet, I survived more activity than I could have dreamed possible thanks to medications and medical management, and spent more time in bed reading than I'd ever imagined I'd do on vacation. At one point I had a mini breakdown, overwhelmed with all that goes into managing life with multiple chronic illnesses, just wanting a break - a vacation from the pain and from needing to constantly think about managing my health. 

Nevertheless, what I will carry with me are the memories of the beauty of nature, the kindness of others, the laughter, and the joy. And the lesson that I need to work more on being content to just be.