To Have Days Like These

I did what I always do - I powered through intense pain in order to meet obligations. And then I went home and crashed. Throughout the afternoon, evening, night, and through the next day...and the next, the pressure in my head combined with the feeling my brain was being sucked out through the base of my skull, combined with intense neck pain, was made worse by so much coughing due to intense chest congestion. 

On days like these, when my illnesses are near their most intense, I cancel plans and do what I can to make it through. I parent my children, I take care of what needs to be taken care of, but mostly I lay in bed, concentrating on not letting the pain take over. These are the days I seldom speak of ... the days - or weeks - of my life that are taken over by illness. The hours of seemingly endless agony that require me to actively avoid panic and seek hope. 

These are the days you don't see. 

You see me when I'm at my best - or am pretending to be. You see me when I'm well enough to be out and about, when my pain is somewhat manageable, when I can manage my illnesses with medication and rest. 

Days like these end me in the Emergency Department, hooked up to an IV for hydration, pain meds, and emergency corticosteroids to keep me from adrenal failure and to calm my breathing. They end up with filling four prescriptions just to get me through the next however many days it takes for my body to heal from acute bronchitis complicated by my multiple autoimmune issues. 

Even when I'm incredibly careful, things can spiral quickly into an emergency situation. For me, it's not as simple as having a cold, I experience increased costochondritis pain due to coughing; magnified pain in all my joints due to staying in bed; flank pain due to adrenal insufficiency; unforgiving migraines due to neck issues from laying down too much; and so much more. I can barely walk. I can't talk. Inflammation has taken over my entire body as it overreacts to everything. I have increased steroid medications and deluged my body with sodium, potassium, and magnesium to help my adrenal system cope. 

It will take me weeks to fully recover, once this illness leaves my body. 

On days like these, I'm thankful...thankful for ED doctors that follow protocol for SAI; for friends who bring me treats or check up on me; for a husband that advocates for me in the hospital and picks up my meds early in the morning; for children who take good care of their mama; for parents who support me in so many ways (and bring me a greatly needed iced macchiato); for the solace of prayer during sleepless nights; for medications that help manage symptoms; and for chocolate to get the awful taste of the liquid medicine off my tongue (some things never change ... just ask my mother).