The Dark Side

Life isn't easy for me at the moment. In reality, it never is, but right now I'm really struggling. This is the dark side of chronic illness that no one wants to hear about. People want to hear stories of people thriving despite living with chronic illness, not stories of suffering...but those are the stories that permeate every day of my life.

I have severe allergies and a cold. No big deal for most people. Devastating for me. I took myself off psoriatic arthritis medication until my lungs clear, as I don't want to land myself in the hospital with pneumonia. Between the coughing and the pain, I barely sleep. Every time I cough, it feels like my ribs are shattering. Several times now, the pain from a coughing fit has caused me to be sick to my stomach. Every joint in my body is screaming, and I'm having trouble keeping prednisone - my only hope for reducing inflammation - down. 

Off PsA meds, my body is attacking itself. On them, I might get sicker. Off them, my autoimmune liver issues could flare, causing taking any form of pain medication to be risky.

I want to curl up in bed, but that will only make things worse. I can't lay down, or fluid builds up in my lungs. Sitting is excruciating. Standing is exhausting. And we're so busy ... homeschool co-op, Tuesday Night Sunday School, School of Lay Ministry, Contemporary Dance, Breaking Silences, Puppet Academy, theater rehearsals, plays friends are acting in, Artopia ... which is both a blessing and a strain. I feel a bit better when I'm active, but tire easily. My thoughts are consumed by the pain - I even experience pain in my dreams. It hurts to move. It hurts to stay still. It hurts to breathe.

The reality of many living with chronic illness and chronic pain is that a cold can be a calamity, and a normal day would be considered cause for a trip to the emergency department for those not chronically ill. We live in survival mode every day, putting on a mask of normalcy as to not drag anyone else into the reality of our everyday struggles. 

Welcome to the dark side of chronic illness and chronic pain. It's not pleasant to talk about or to live through, but it's life and I live it.