Vacation Photos

This photo of myself, taken while on vacation at Camp Calumet, is difficult for me to look at. I have battled my weight my entire life. At one point last Summer, I was losing weight and feeling more comfortable in my skin. Then I was taken off psoriatic arthritis medication for seven months for neurological testing and put on prednisone. My energy levels plummeted, as did my ability to walk ... to move. I gained weight. 

No matter what I eat or don't eat or how small I make my portion sizes, I have steadily gained weight ever since becoming less active. I've tried weaning myself off of the prednisone, only to have inflammation take over my body and severely limit my mobility and ability to function. Even back on PsA medication, I'm still not even close to where I was ability-wise before I went off of it.

I do not like weighing this much. I want to be a healthy weight, a task not easily reached when battling chronic exhaustion and overwhelming pain. This photo is painful for me to look at - there is a disconnect somewhere between how I look and how I feel I look. I don't feel like I weigh as much as I do. 

And then I look past the weight. I see someone enjoying herself. Someone reveling in natural surroundings. Someone hiking on crutches because that's the only way she can get through a hike - and not just hiking, making it to the top of some beautiful trails to enjoy amazing views. Someone who is living life to its fullest despite the obstacles in her way. 

Jackman Ridge, Freedom, NH

Castle in the Clouds carriage trail,  Moultonborough, NH

Beaver (photo by Alia), White Memorial, Litchfield, CT

Someone who, when her legs are failing her, continues her adventures via kayak whenever possible, and wheelchair when necessary. 

For my own mental health, and in order to set the example I want to for my children, I need to work on feeling comfortable in my body no matter what I weigh. I need to focus on moving as much as my body will allow and being as healthy as I can, not on a photographic image or a number on a scale.  I'm not sure quite how to go about this change in attitude and perspective, but I'm working on it.